Tonight I am thinking about romance in my 50s, as opposed to my 40s, 30s, 20s, and teen years. Going back further gets into childhood, of course. Something very confusing to me as a boy was how I got erections thinking about or looking at girls. I'm not sure how common this is, but it most definitely was the case with me.
When you are uninformed and naive about sex, as I was, getting an erection is extremely confusing. You feel as if you are not in control of your own body, never a good feeling (until it is).
Not to mention the embarrassment of trying to keep it from showing in your tight pants. Throughout my boyhood, I was anxious about this problem. I never talked to anyone about it; somehow I knew it was among the unmentionables.
As a young teen, I had my first crushes. One of the girls who was the object of my yearning was a couple years younger. In fact, most of the girls I adored throughout my teen years were younger. This pattern continued throughout my adulthood. (Note to angry commenters -- I am just being honest here.)
I married my first girlfriend at roughly the halfway point between our birthdays. Thus, I was freshly 22, and she was a mature 21. We stayed married a long time -- 20 years, before our relationship broke into pieces. It took three more years to finish our divorce; three months later, I married for the second time.
That marriage ended in early 2003, so we were together 11 years. But the last year and a half was a sexless marriage, and by the time we broke up, we were both ready to move on.
So, this is the starting point of my story. Whatever I did or did not do until the age of 55, my life was defined by the central fact that I was married.
These past four years have been my first real experience as a single man, and you know what? It's not so bad. I was thinking about the relationships I've had over this time, and they have been marvelous, each in its own way. Some of the best parts of dating involve that period where you sense something is possible but you don't yet know what will happen.
There have been around 7 or 8 women who I've hung out with in my 50s in this state of potentially sexualization. This has been my learning period, what most people do when they are teenagers or in their 20s.
I never had that opportunity, and much of my older life has been defined as much by that gap in my education as anything else. Now, when I contemplate getting married ever again, I wonder: Why?
It is fun to be entirely free to meet new people, and allow mutual attractions to work themselves out, as they may. I am again reminded of that song, "The Inside of Love," by Nada Surf.
Making out with someone you don't really know -- it happens. Yearning for a deeper connection -- it is the perpetual state of being alone and single.
Meeting new people -- that can happen, guilt-free.
Without exception, the women I like who appear to also find me attractive have been about 15+ years younger than me. Is it possible that our emotional ages -- men and women -- are roughly calibrated at that kind of gap?
Since time waits on none of us, I wonder what my peers, women in their late 50s, know about this that I have not yet discovered. Need I reach the age of 70 before I am their equal, emotionally?
***
Today had some special moments. My 25-year-old son came by for lunch. He is in town visiting his girlfriend, and so is not staying with me. But he looks great, and is thriving, I think, at Cal Tech.
My good friend who runs the lifelong learning program where I teach memoir, and I took a long walk. She had a serious health scare this fall. It looks now that she is in the clear.
I'm rearranging furniture in my house, making things more comfortable, I hope, and more functional. Today was partly a day of repairing things. Spring is in the air (the temperature hit the high 60s), so of course I am into spring-cleaning.
Believe me, this place could use a large dose of that!
I am waiting to talk with a girl I like a lot. That may happen tonight as well.
My first dinner was brown mushrooms cooked in olive oil, with fresh basil, garlic, and onion slices. Then I ate a small piece of steak. Later I will have some warm shrimp and a salad of fresh greens, cherry tomatoes, and red pepper.
Out back, my little candle house glows with the light from a red candle. This is not exactly a red light house I am running here, but you get the general idea...
I am happy to be a man who loves women.
-30-
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