Julia's
futsol team won their first game, 3-2 today. She said the other team started playing rough near the end when they realized they were in danger of losing. One girl, for example, reached over and pushed Julia, trying to get her off the ball.
"You should have pushed back," I said.
"I did," she answered.
On the way home, she asked that we stop at Starbuck's, which we did, in the continuing rain. She ordered a coffee and a fruit cup.
This is a determined girl, my daughter. She may not like the taste of coffee, but by god, she's going to learn to. She mixed in some sugar and some milk, then drank the cup empty.
I've always realized that she is the type of person who will not be held back, once she puts her mind to something. She's also a perfectionist.
Lately, she has been very quiet, not happy, non-communicative, and clearly bothered by certain things. She seems to think she needs to diet. She's clearly having trouble making friends at school. Others say she may be not responding to kids who try to be her friend.
That doesn't sound like the girl I know. She is very self-contained but always has also been friendly. I know she is shy but not abnormally so. I think she has a reasonable amount of self-confidence, but I also know it must be hell to be a 15-year-old girl.
She said something today that revealed a bit of how she experiences the world right now:
"Teenage girls are horrible people. Awful." This was in response to her mother's question of whether she might like to transfer into an all-girls school.
"That's the last thing I would want to do," she said with an emphasis that precluded any further conversation.
How to be a good parent for a child like this at this stage?
Although I've raised five other teens, I feel clueless. I don't think I should just wait it out. Julia is clearly in a certain amount of pain and she probably needs me more now than ever.
Shopping used to help but lately, when we go into a store, she looks at the clothes, runs her hands over the fabric, then turns and walks out, without a word.
If I ask what is wrong she says nothing.
The most recent thing she allowed me to buy her was a winter coat. She wore it today, in that rain. As we were walking into Starbuck's, she actually said something to me, without any prompt!
"You know the only thing I don't like about this coat? It doesn't have a hood."
"Yes," I fumbled in response, not used to being spoken to. "That would be helpful in the rain."
Afterwards I kicked myself for not offering her my baseball cap. After all, my jacket does have a hood.
I did tell her I have a plan, and here it is. We are going to transform her bedroom, which until now has been a kind of messy, catch-all room with an uncomfortable bed, poor lighting and some boxes of files.
I told her we will remake the room into a nicer place, something based on her tastes. We'll get a new bed, lamps, and put whatever in there she wants to be in there.
She seemed to like that idea, but I'm not sure. It's so hard to tell.
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