Keeping, Throwing Away

Peter and I went up to my Hampshire Street flat and I went through the equivalent of four boxes of old files. We threw away three and distilled the keepable down to one.

If I let nostalgia rule this process I'd probably keep almost everything. But I am in a pragmatic mood.

Poring through those boxes, I encountered old clips of my stories, cards and drawings from the kids, school records, letters and tons of photos. Most I am now discarding.

It feels refreshing to do this.

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Lost in the System

My medicines are running out. The pharmacy says it cannot renew my prescriptions. I don't have a doctor's appointment for two weeks.

What do I do?

This is the kind of dilemma facing millions of Americans and now it confronts me.

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Grandchildren!

My daughter Sarah Daisy and her three darling boys, James, Leif and Oliver came by today and we walked to a nearby park where they could run, scoot, skateboard and jump their way through a fresh air outing.

It was great to see them for the first time in months.

There were also two home health-care visits and two long calls from friends.

I ate with new acquaintances at dinner; am feeling more and more at home here.

All in all, a very satisfying Friday. Memoir approaching 34,000 words; I continue to recover memories like smooth shards of seagrass washed up on the sands of time.

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What's In a Friday?

Up at 5. No rain. The day of the week has little meaning for me. It's odd to be in the state where everyone has to come to you because you can go to nobody.

In my imagination I will soon go out -- somewhere. Perhaps to the pharmacy.

But daily reality is I'm confined to a small apartment.

As my memoir-writing progresses, Having passed 33,000 words of draft prose. Incidents keep coming back to me, such as the first time I met Jessica "Decca" Mitford.

The legendary muckraker and rebellious member of the British royal family and I hit it off at once. Later, she agreed to an interview with my 11-year-old daughter Laila.

That interview was later published in The Nation, the oldest continuously published magazine in America, since 1865.

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Judy the Movie

Renée Zellweger does an impressive job playing Judy Garland in the recent release. I saw the film today in the place I am staying  -- they seems to get current movies for us somehow.

The rain clouds have cleared and it is sunny this late afternoon.

Today was a day of tasks, including doing my laundry in a shared laundry room for the first time in probably 45 years.

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Weather Returns

It's rainy and gusty outside, for the first time in a long time. There are lots of accidents I am told; Aidan's first day with AMR will no doubt be busy.

Inside this warm, cozy apartment, I'm  working on my memoir and watching the impeachment news. These are my favorite writing days.

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The Middle Night

When you wake up at 3 a.m. and can't go back to sleep, all you can do is write a blog post. Today is Aidan's first day as an EMT for a company called AMR. It also is the day when Laila and family get back from their long stay in France.

There is nothing on my personal agenda. I'm retired.

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Adapting to a New Life

I took my first walk outside in months today. It was chilly but I only had to go a block to find my destination -- a park. It felt good to walk without supervision.

Also, my BP cuff arrived (actually two of them), my Tylenol (also two of them), an electric tea kettle and a box of teabags. The duplicates were due to my inability to master ordering from Amazon, which is irritating.

I sent payments for my outstanding bills. Am switching doctors, pharmacy, and other services down here as I settle into Millbrae.

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Hand Made Knife

I've carried this knife around for some 50 years. It is hand-made from Afghanistan. It probably cost a penny and was old when I bought it.

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Democratic Debate

I'm not sure that any of the six candidates emerged as a clear front-runner last night. My sense was that Biden is closer to convincing voters he can beat Trump, and he delivered the best closing statement. Sanders has an active network and was okay. Warren debated energetically. Mayor Pete seemed flat. Amy K kept exceeding her time allotment, which offended me. Billionare Tom Steyer, someone I've had two long conversations with last year, seemed sort of the odd man out.

Who knows if any of them can beat Trump.

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The Anxieties of Old Age

Now I'm part of this demographic, I can attest that worrying about how to pay your bills, whether you can afford your medicines, whether you can even pay for your doctor visits, ruins what are called your "golden years."

There is nothing golden about poverty.

It doesn't matter how long or how hard you worked or how carefully you saved, old age is structured in this country to drain you of everything you own.

Anxiety among the elderly is a major problem in America. Wake up to it.

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The Latest News From Here

The Sutter Care Home Health nurse visited today and reviewed my finances as well as my physical health. She said she thinks I am no longer competent mentally to manage my own finances and that I should turn over all decision-making to Peter, whom she has met.

Apparently this problem has been the case for years now or at least since my stroke. It is hard news to let in but I realize I have to listen to the experts these days.

***

Am systematically changing the addresses of all of my accounts and services. This feels like a permanent relocation to me.

My eyesight has grown so weak I cannot even see a person sitting near me clearly. What is going on?

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In the Chill of the Night

It's 4:30 a.m. and my body has decided it's time to get this day underway. Sunrise is hours away yet my mind is ready to go, as if there were anything I had to do. I'm primed for action. Let's see -- what's up today?

Reality is I am retired, in compromised health, and living alone in n assisted living facility. Nobody expects me to do anything or go anywhere. I will be offered as much food as I want today, starting at 7 a.m. Housekeeping is available weekly. As soon as the laundry detergent I ordered on Amazon gets here I can wash my clothes.

To pass the hours I have TV, movies, the vast world of the Internet. There is the book I am writing. There are the family members and friends who stay in touch with me and sometimes drop in for a visit.

So the truth is my life is a simple life, made complicated by my imagination and the delusions of age and disease.

I just don't always know exactly who I am, where I am, or why. There must be a reason for all this; I just haven't discovered it yet.

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Insights That Come Slowly

As I have journeyed deeper into the health care system, I've come to certain realizations. One is that what emerges over time is a consensus among care-givers about a patient's status. Many people participate in forming this consensus, most of them with vast experience in evaluating patients like me.

The clear consensus in my case is that it is no longer advisable for me to live alone independently. That is why I now am in an assisted living complex. My care-givers, and my family, think that is best for now.

Another point of consensus in my case is that I am not going to be getting better. That leaves two alternatives. I'll stay stable, perhaps for many years, or I'll decline. There are numerous ways to decline and when that happens,  a new consensus will emerge as to what to do next.

Staying stable depends on the basics -- sleep, eating well, exercise, not falling and luck. No one can predict how any particular patient will fare. They'll just keep checking and discussing what they see.

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Illness is Strange

I slept until 4 a.m., waking up now and then when I realized I'd sweated through my pajamas. I changed twice.

This morning I took my first shower here and it was good. Now I am dressed and ready for the day.

I must have some kind of illness that I am having night sweats -- a condition I've only had in the past when I had some sort of G-I disorder like dysentery. My fear is I am losing weight again.

My throat is sore. I've done a lot of coughing; when I'm ill I always feel utterly alone.

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Twin Scourges

Aging and illness. I am struck by now stiff and weak I am. Without daily PT, I am backsliding.

My new apartment is adequate but my income is $3000-4000 short of my monthly expenses. This is very frightening to me. It also is unsustainable.

So "retirement" turns out to be not a chance for relaxation but one for worry and unspeakable anxiety. I cannot enjoy this unless I can earn new income to offset the deficit.

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Enormaties

I didn't sleep well my second night at Cadence assisted care living in Millbrae. I've been trying to get my mind around the challenges facing me, moving from a large flat to a small apartment. In that regard, I have lists everywhere. It is chaos.

Writing a memoir at the same time stirs up lots of stuff. Seventy-two years+ of memories.

Thanks to Peter,I have most of my art and photographs here now. We just have to figure out how to hang them without damaging the walls. Kelsey has a plan.

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