Frustrations

I can't make a purchase on Amazon. It is a really messed up interface.

Concasr/Xfinity is forcing me to repurchase movies I already bought. Customer Service is problematic.

This moving crap sucks.

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First Saturday

It is very quiet here -- good for sleeping. But mysterious aches keep appearing. Yesterday it was my back. I got some Tylenol.

Today it is my left knee. What is that about?

Aidan and Kelsey will not move into Hampshire. So we have to clean the place out. I need to change my billing address for everything. Much will be discarded. Some will come here. Peter is helping today.

I've resolved to get through this transition and adapt to this place. I had breakfast; the staff is friendly, the patients not so much so.

It's a sunny day. I'm still figuring out how to make things work.

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Disorientation

Millbrae

Aidan and Kelsey brought me down here with some of my stuff but I don't have what I need yet. It's a small one-bedroom apartment with a bathroom and a kitchenette.

I have been talking to myself a bit.

I'm worried about everything. Especially how to get to my doctor appointments.

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Sleepless in Pacifica

It's not surprising that on such a momentous occasion as this, I would have trouble sleeping. I got a little bit of rest before waking up around 4 a.m.

I'll miss this place and especially these people. They've been kind and effective. But it's time to move on.

I look forward to moving into my apartment in Cadence this afternoon. Aidan will take me.

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Rebirth?

Some 49 years after moving in to San Francisco, tomorrow I am moving out. So it's natural for me to be a bit nostalgic tonight. Lots of memories are demanding mind space, complementing the process already under way due to the memoir.

This is a strange time for me. I hope I like the new place. I hope I ike the people.

The apartment is on Broadway in downtown Millbrae. From the photos, it looks nice.

My hope is this move promotes my return to health. In any event it opens a new chapter for me. I'm more excited than anxious.

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Managing the Details

The complications are mind-boggling. The logistics are challenging. The finances will strain me.

Despite all this I plan to move tomorrow.

As overwhelming as it feels, the timing is now. It's time.

In 2003, when I moved in, my friend Mary helped me. Tomorrow, Aidan plans to help me move out and into the new apartment.

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Moving

I've made a tentative decision. I've chosen Cadence assisted living in Millbrae, where a brand new one bedroom apartment plus meals and other services will cost me $4950/month.

There are a lot of details to manage to pull this off. The move would be tomorrow.

As stressful as this has been, I'm pretty confident this is the right choice. Peter And Aidan are on the case.

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Agitation

Today, everything or nothing may change. It's all coming to a head. I face potentially the blistering possibility of losing my financial advantages just to pacify a health-care system that is stalking me with options.

Don't get me wrong. The people in this system are sincere and caring. But giant insurance companies and government agencies set the terms within which we seek wellness.

Physically I have worked hard to regain what I lost. Mentally I am sharp.Nevertheless, I am caught in a trap.

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What's at Stake

My flat costs $1966.50/month.

The cheapest assisted living may be $6000. I cannot aford that. I would only last about five years there. in my flat I could make it indefinitely.

Stark choices. I want to control my own choice here.

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Magnitudes

In one sense my impending move represents a massive change. Moving for the first time in 17 years! Probably to a new city.

On the other hand people move every day. It's a routine event.

Gotta get through it and I will. Many many fears will have solutions. Once the transition, with twists and turns, is complete, I'll start a new life in a new place.

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Knowing Little as of Yet

The doctor who cares for me here said the Colma facility would be a disaster for me. Mainly dementia patients, lots of whom scream, and an unhealthy environment for a person with perfect cognition.

Now I am working with an expert on placement in assisted living facilities. She is arranging for several possible placement options to visit me here tomorrow.

This so stressful!

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Next Stop

Peter has found a place nearby (in Colma) where I can stay week to week at half the cost of here. If we can make that happen, we should do so -- tomorrow.

My anxiety level is high, of course, but the prospect of limiting my financial damage is a significant factor in all of this.

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Last Day of Physical Therapy

My Medicare-covered therapies (physical and occupational) end today, so my therapists gave me instruction on how to continue on my own.

Linda Mar says I can stay here in two-week chunks rather a whole month. This reduces the amount of money due upfront as we search for an assisted living community as my new home.

I have learned a lot about PT and OT. Let's hope I can continue on my own.

My memoir keeps growing. It is now over 31,000 words.

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Recovery After Setback

Got sick last night, probably food poisoning. Stable by ~ midnight. At a time like that it is good to have 7/24 nursing help.

Woke up at 4 a.m. It's 50 degrees outside. I am worrying about the future, long-term and immediate.

After so many months in and out of medical institutions, I'm desperate to regain control of my own life. There is a helpless state that you get in at times like this. Some people like it; I hate it.

Working on my memoir night and day, strictly from memory, is my main work activity these days. There is no question that it has been, objectively, an amazing career, but apart from the book, is it over now?

Peter and I calculate that if I could wrangle a light annual consulting income, say $25,000, I would be in solid shape.

=50=

Prospects

The social worker here thinks I can pay to stay here after my insurance runs out on Thursday. It would be cheaper than going to a specialized rehab program. So we are exploring that option. But it would be $18,000 a month with a minimum of a one month stay.

Aidan and Kelsey visited on the eve of the new D.A., Chesa Boudin's inauguration tomorrow night at the Herbst Theatre.

$18K is a lot of money but ~10K less than outright rehab.

My memoir sits at 30,000 words now.

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Initial Indications

They are not good. It appears that I cannot stay here beyond Thursday, two days from now. But I have nowhere to go except home, where my children do not want me to go.

There is little time to find an assisted living facility. There must be some around here that are affordable.

The uncertainty this introduces is trying to consume me. But I must live today for what it's worth.

Every Day is a Big Day

I feel as if I am suspended in time, waiting for others to determine my fate. It's about an hour before dawn; it's chilly but less so (54 degrees) than in recent days.

My in-between meals often consist of protein shakes, tuna fish sandwiches, cheese and crackers, fruit and yogurt, etc.

I slept better last night (no roommate).

My memoir is a living, breathing document that changes every day. Intellectually, I am in a constant state of excitement.

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The Waiting Game

I got sleepy early, slept a bit, woke up, took a walk, and now am back in my room at 10:30 p.m. With such big changes hanging in the balance, I'm sure to be restless tonight.

My roommate has mysteriously disappeared. He was supposed to go home tomorrow, not today. But when I got back from my PT/OT sessions, he was gone.

It's 46 degrees in Pacifica and clear. I know that from my weather app. My proposal to stay here an extra 30 days carries the risk I may get cabin fever. I know that.

But at this point I am fighting for a future that allows me limited freedom in exchange for limited support.

Plus the environmental incentive to write my book.

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Accommodating the Future

If I am to agree to 30 more days of rehab why not do them here?

A Thai-American nurse I've befriended suggested that alternative scenario to me today.

"Why not let us try and help you?

There are certainly a lot of plusses for this idea. I know the staff; they know me. I'm making good progress here.It's close to the kids. It's covered by Medicare.

Anywhere else will be distant, expensive and disruptive. This has become home.

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On to More of This

My family has persuaded me to enter a 30-day rehabilitation program. They feel I can never go home again. The only future they envision is in some new place.

Who will sort my things?

How can I afford it?

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Happy Birthday Daisy!

My granddaughter is in Bourdeau as she celebrates her birthday, I believe her 6th.

We're only on the 6th day of this new year, barely 1.6% of the way through it and already 2 of my 7 grandchildren have had birthdays, or 28.6%. We'll beat the tear in this regard as our grandchildren will have had all of their birthdays before the end of October.

***

I woke up at 5 a.m. Now it's past 7:30 here in Pacifica, 44 degrees and sunny. The early morning hours are exciting here with the sounds of nurses busily preparing for the day. But at 5 that was still TK (to come).

Someone was moaning loudly, someone was coughing loudly, my roommate was groaning softly. I pulled out my laptop and started writing on my memoir. The words rushed like water over a bed of rock. Lately I have been recalling the many places I have consulted, like Wikipedia, California Academy of Sciences, and BIG magazine.

***

Have you ever wondered why old people stare at you? It's because we can'y see very well and we can only make out the contours of your face. We are trying to decide whether we know you.

The blank stare is not meant to be hostile.

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Happy Birthday James!

Today is my oldest grandson, James', 13th birthday. I called and talked with him a while ago and he sounds great! Such an impressive young man, polite and articulate.

Being retired affords me the possibility of seeing my grandchildren more frequently and I intend to do so.

Hopefully I can stay in the Bay Area, remain healthy, avoid falls and sell my memoir to a publisher. Another hope is I can find some consultant income, which will extend the time I can rely on my own income to pay my bills.

On my mind: When I get home later this week I need to start reducing the number of my possessions -- radically. One part of this is to go through the file boxes, one by one. Another aspect is to decide what to do with my books. If I can get everything down to the bare minimum, it will be much easier to move eventually.

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Baby Visit

Bettina came by today with her parents, Peter and Claire. She used to be shy, then she became very social and decidedly not shy.

Now she is shy again, clinging to her mother. She also can speak many words now as she progresses toward speech.

At Mills Hospital in San Mateo, where I was before coming here, there was an occasional art class where a staff member brought art materials and we were encouraged to indulge our desires. I chose colored pencils and water color paints.

Without illusion that I have any talent whatsoever, I enjoy playing with color on paper. I feel serene while doing so.

***

Peter has been researching assisted learning venues and feels I can afford one in the inner Bay Area. I hope so.

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