Week's End, Finally

Even only having gone to the office three days this week, I came home exhausted last night. The politics and manipulations this week wore me out. Hey, I am 71. I have been working since was 16 (even earlier).

I haven't taken a vacation in years. All I do is work, work, work and then send most of the money I make to those I love. That part is fine with me.

What is not fine is that despite a terrific career, I do not, and will never have enough resources to retire. So I have to work until I die.

Lately, I have really felt my age. I am thin, frail, weak, and mainly tired. Probably the 40 pounds I've dropped the last 7 years represent a positive thing for my heart, but they also represent my weak desire to eat any longer. I skipped dinner again last night.

Walking home from work, the main thing I noticed were the white and pink blossoms on the sidewalks. I think they are mainly plum blossoms, as those are pretty much the only fruit trees in this neighborhood, except for a few Meyer Lemons.

The dropped blossoms, blown from their branches by the winds, compose a kind of sad beauty to step around. (I do not like to step on flowers.) In my dream earlier this night, I was wading through high grasses and flowers and I did not like that feeling. Then I woke up and realized it was only a dream, only a dream.

There is so much beauty all around us. Maybe the only wisdom in any of this for me is that even walking alone and tired I still can appreciate the colors of the petals on the sidewalk. That alone gives me some comfort.

After all, they are dying, no longer on their trees, but still lovely in appearance. They made my walk meaningful.

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Restart

Working from home again. I realize that I am completely burned out and that my morale is broken at work. My immediate supervisors have established a review of our digital team, with an eye to making changes.

This is not necessarily a reflection on me or my performance but it sure feels like it. Meanwhile, with no hires over the past three years, our traffic has grown steadily at 45 percent year over year. And we have won a ton of awards.

I know that we are doing a great job with a very small staff inside a giant radio operation that has hired tons of people. Most of whom cannot write or edit a decent text article -- which is what we have to deal with.

Just as well when I feel like this that I work from home.

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Big Cookie Box

Luca was holding this behind his back the other night when the Comollis came by. I have never seen a bigger box of cookies.

This cold rainy morning my car wouldn't start again. I eventually had to have it towed to the mechanic's. Honestly, that car is now more trouble than it is worth. I almost never drive anywhere anyway.

I also decided to work from home today. Besides the car trouble, I have cold symptoms and am feeling tired. It is easier to work here than to walk to there.

Due to the rain, everything is green around here. Beautiful.

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Blogging

I'm suddenly feeling like writing more again and sharing my life with anyone who wants to share it with me.

Last night, on my actual birthday, Peter and Claire came by. We watched the Giants game and ordered Thai food. They are expecting their first child, a girl, in October.

Afterward, I searched my apartment and found a bunch of little girl clothes -- Julia's, of course. I will bundle them up for them.

When I moved in here, Julia was not yet five. The clothes I found include pajamas, shirts and dresses from those early years. I know she will be happy to see them on her new niece a few years from now.

Family is everything to me. Work matters too. I've been having a rough time at work lately but it also can be satisfying because I have so many relationships there. KQED is a good place for me. Lots of good and interesting people.

I've been growing my hair for almost two years now. It is long and white and down to my shoulders. I know it looks weird but I don't care. I think I am reverting to my hippie days in the 70s. Plus, at 71, I really don't care what anyone thinks of me any longer.

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