Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Transitional Madness

I went to what will probably be my last event tonight as a local tech blogger; my 32-month work for the local magazine site has to come to an end as I transition into my new job.

I've gone to very few of these events -- far fewer than I might have -- because I find them awkward and intrusive on my personal life. But they represent major networking opportunities. But networking -- that's something I don't really do any longer, at least not with joy.

It was at a cool steakhouse in Soma, an intimate gathering of a few entrepreneurs, a few PR folks, a few VCs, and a few bloggers. I knew some of the people, and the one friend I've made over the past year who is eager to accompany me to such events was there with me.

But she's moving away soon, so if I were to continue I'd have to attend these kinds of meetings alone. You know, frankly, I'm sick of alone. Some people thrive on it; not me. I'm alone so much of the time that I do not need new excuses to be alone among crowds, even small crowds where I know some people.

That said, it was not unpleasant. I met some new people, learned some things. But it also seemed pointless because I am leaving the world of being a tech blogger. That phase is decidedly ending, as there is no way I can continue that work and also handle my new full-time position.

So this will close a project that started way back in December 2010, another point in my life (one of many) when I was lost and confused.

Losing the company of my friend is also sad. But she is young and ambitious and has a world of opportunities, plus a new boyfriend. Those are the hazards of befriending young people. They change rapidly and the whole panorama of opportunities still await them.

Where at my age, you are mainly aware of the shrinking field of dreams left to you.

Am I melancholy? Of course. I have to give up most of my freedom, most of my time with my kids, and almost all of my flexibility. And the blog that I have (re)built my local reputation from scratch the past 32 months.

Honestly in the professional sphere I have done so many different types of things for so long now, that my entire reputation and presence in this community is so badly fragmented hardly anyone knows what to think of me.

I don't know what to think of me.

It's just time to bear down, work on a daily grind, find a new way to persevere, and pay the bills. I do know this much -- tonight was the first time I have eaten a steak in a long, long time. All I can say about that is woah...


Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Oddness of Silence

The Giants' little big-hearted pitcher, Tim Lincecum, pitched a no-hitter in San Diego last night. The defending World Champs had sunk to last place before a recent revival, and it was great to see "Timmy," who is universally loved here in San Francisco, bounce back from what has been a difficult season so far.

It was a big week for me. I signed an offer letter that means I will have a full-time job starting next month for the first time since January 2009.

I will be the senior online news editor for a large local media organization.

A massive pile of snow-white fog rolled in over Twin Peaks last night. As I was driving my youngest back to her Mom's house for the night, I pointed it out to her. She just nodded from behind her earphones.

Lost in the music.

As the parent of teens, it is often my fate to be driving them here or there, and trying to talk to them when I realize they can't hear me. They almost never hear me. They listen to their music, text their friends, watch movies on their mobiles, but they are not really present for me.

So I babble on, like an idiot, with no audience.

Just the sound of my own voice in a modern technological wilderness. Not to complain, but somehow that is lonelier than when I am actually alone.