Friday, April 17, 2015

An Old Man's Thoughts

I realize that in current American society being 68 does not necessarily connote that I am near the end of my life. And I truly hope that I am not. My plan is to be able to work full-time for seven more years. I pretty much like my job, though lately it has become complicated. And stressful. But if so, I will have accumulated and saved the amount of money I want to be able to leave to my children and their children. And I also wouldn't mind living into my 80s, although it would have been nice to have done so with a partner, other than on my own. But if I am healthy enough, perhaps enjoying planting things and watching my grandchildren grow up, after I retire in 2022, would give me some measure of pleasure. But of course that would deplete what I would leave them, which is a tradeoff I have to ponder. Plus I have no safe and affordable place to live, so all my savings could easily disappear if I stay in San Fransisco.

But I also know several other things that may not allow this scenario to come true. The heart infection I had as a child that went undiagnosed did a bunch of damage. The diseases I had in the Peace Corps in 20s did a bunch more. Several doctors told me to not expect to live longer than I have already lived. And I have not necessarily done what I should have done, with my lifestyle choices, to earn that privilege.

So I figure it is time to start to wrap things up. My body has been hurting a lot lately, on all sides -- my front, my sides, my back. Everything hurts. Maybe my time is coming to an end?

I have started writing my will. It is on my laptop. I need to get this official somehow. I need a lawyer. Hopefully all I have is a bad back. But who knows. It could well be worse than that. Internal not external. I am on my own. I guess I will call my doctor on Monday. I have a very bad feeling. I hope I am wrong.

This is what it is like to grow old without a partner. Maybe those who die young are actually the lucky ones? They never have to confront these difficult moments. If I had a partner, she would be with me during this ordeal.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Birthday Dinner

With my youngest at a Thai restaurant on Mission Street. We spoke by cellphone with her two brothers in Missoula while waiting for our food. Heard from my older three kids as well, and scores of friends from Facebook. My staff got a cake at work, which was sweet.

No complaints. Lots of love. I appreciate it all.


Monday, April 13, 2015

Fog Drifts In Tonight

On the eve of my 68th birthday, a typical San Francisco night. I suppose that is appropriate. I stood watching it tonight, ever so slowly wrapping over this city.