An Old Man's Thoughts

I realize that in current American society being 68 does not necessarily connote that I am near the end of my life. And I truly hope that I am not. My plan is to be able to work full-time for seven more years. I pretty much like my job, though lately it has become complicated. And stressful. But if so, I will have accumulated and saved the amount of money I want to be able to leave to my children and their children. And I also wouldn't mind living into my 80s, although it would have been nice to have done so with a partner, other than on my own. But if I am healthy enough, perhaps enjoying planting things and watching my grandchildren grow up, after I retire in 2022, would give me some measure of pleasure. But of course that would deplete what I would leave them, which is a tradeoff I have to ponder. Plus I have no safe and affordable place to live, so all my savings could easily disappear if I stay in San Fransisco.

But I also know several other things that may not allow this scenario to come true. The heart infection I had as a child that went undiagnosed did a bunch of damage. The diseases I had in the Peace Corps in 20s did a bunch more. Several doctors told me to not expect to live longer than I have already lived. And I have not necessarily done what I should have done, with my lifestyle choices, to earn that privilege.

So I figure it is time to start to wrap things up. My body has been hurting a lot lately, on all sides -- my front, my sides, my back. Everything hurts. Maybe my time is coming to an end?

I have started writing my will. It is on my laptop. I need to get this official somehow. I need a lawyer. Hopefully all I have is a bad back. But who knows. It could well be worse than that. Internal not external. I am on my own. I guess I will call my doctor on Monday. I have a very bad feeling. I hope I am wrong.

This is what it is like to grow old without a partner. Maybe those who die young are actually the lucky ones? They never have to confront these difficult moments. If I had a partner, she would be with me during this ordeal.

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