Ye Olde Guidebook

NOTE: This essay is based on real facts. Only the facts have been changed.

It's time someone wrote a common-sense guide to growing old, so this is addressed to the newly elderly. Before generalizing, let's be specific.

Medicare. It's one of those systems you've been paying into your whole life, and now you've reached the age you qualify for it. But beware because it's going to cost you a lot of money.

It's a system that is as simple to understand as as knowing your ABCs. The only catch is it doesn't work the way ABCs did. It's more like the "new math" in the good old days. It goes like this: A,B,D,F,C,N,G.

There's no E, or any of the old letters between G and N. They've all retired.

Got that? Well, whichever letters you end up with, they cover doctors, hospitals, drugs, etc. But not 100 percent. It's more like 80 percent. I think that's where the supplemental plans (F, C, G, N) may come into play but I'm not sure about that.

Supposedly these supplementals cover all those little extras, like co-pays, deductibles and whatever else shows up in your mailbox.

Or, and don't forget dental. You'll need a special policy for that.

Need eye surgery for cataract removal? Well the good news is that is probably covered but you'll have to pay for the surgeon to insert new lenses so you can see properly once the cataracts are gone.

The really perplexing thing about Medicare is that not all doctors accept patients who have it.

There's also the "out of network" problem that we thought Obamacare might have taken care of. And remember "pre-existing conditions?" I think they're back.

Seriously, if you can get through to the Medicare help line, usually you will get very polite and well-informed customer service agents to walk you through all this. They usually say to check with your local medical provider, who says to check back with them.

Meanwhile beware! If somebody calls you asking for your Medicare number, they aren't from Medicare. That's because the folks at Medicare already know your number. To be clear, they've got your number.

So another part of becoming newly elderly is you have to watch out for scam artists. These days they are robotically calling you to offer Covid-19 cures and super-duper masks, not to mention testing kits and protective equipment like authentic NASA spacesuits. Just don't give them your Medicare number.

Besides, you'll know you qualify as a space cadet once you buy into one of those anti-gravity schemes that are floating around in your inbox.

BTW, you can always join AARP, which seems to cost about $16/year. They offer you discounts in case you plan to travel a lot and do other "retired"-type things, but I'm not exactly sure what else they do. They too have nice people who answer the phones.

Okay that's all the specific information we can offer, because we don't even pretend to understand how Social Security works. That's another entitlement you pay in over your whole life only to discover that you're not going to get all that much back.

Around here, those SS payments place you way below the poverty line.

On to the generalizations.

* They say older is wiser but so far in my experience it can be a rather long wait for the "wiser" part to show up. The wise-cracker may show up, but that's a consolation prize.

* You may not actually be old. You're only as old as you feel, and of course on some days you do feel *really* old.

* People readily make fun of old people within your earshot, but luckily, being elderly, you can't really hear what they are saying. "What?" is the right answer whenever people ask you things. Say it loudly.

* Many young people say they think you are "cute." That doesn't mean they want to date you, Just nod vaguely and pretend you get their dialect.

* Old people don't need as much sleep. Just get up at 2 AM with the rest of us and do what old people do. Knit, bake bread or try to find your glasses.

* Wandering off may become an issue. If you find yourself doing this, it might be time for you to get one of those cognitive tests they gave Trump. I think they found him wandering off to a church.

* Take a recent photo of yourself. Label it "recent photo." Place it in plain sight somewhere in case you wander off. They'll make a poster like they do for lost dogs and cats. If you see yourself on a poster, you're halfway home.

* Follow your bliss. This might involve wandering off. Go wherever your bliss takes you. I don't know what bliss is; I think it's a supplemental that makes you wander.

* Never look in the mirror. My older sister taught me that one.

* Don't keep up with the latest styles. Everything old comes around again anyway, so just wait it out.

* If you get stopped by the cops just say you were confused. Works every time.

* If you feel compelled to get a job, apply for something cool, like "self-driving car operator."

* Call everyone you meet "dear" -- it's endearing.

* Never use the phrase " I bet it's to die for" -- we'll be getting around to that in the next chapter.

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