Memory and Interruptions

(Illustration:  Chaos Theory, or a butterfly -- wiki commons)

Have you ever had the feeling your life has been placed into a holding pattern, like you are vectoring round and round over a distant city, waiting for a chance to land?

That is what the pandemic has felt like for me and (I bet) millions of other people. It all depends on your circumstances, of course. For those with steady jobs, stable places to live, and good health the Covid period perhaps has been a minor deviation in the course of life.

For the rest of us, all assumptions were off and a new path had to be found. Of those in this category I recognize that I am one of the lucky ones. As my possessions were reduced to a couple boxes of files and bags of clothes, and my apartments vacated, I started feeling hopeless but I had family that (literally) rescued me from myself.

Over a year later, my files and I remain separated (see below), so I've been writing this faux memoir strictly from memory, corrected from time to time by some old document or photo that turns up courtesy of readers, friends, or Google.

In the process, this daily ritual of sorting through the news has become sort of like a comfort blanket for me. No one asks me to do it and I'm not quite sure how it got started, but rifling through 20-25 news sources each morning is definitely a habit I can't break.

Maybe I'm like a character in Charlie Chaplain's great 1936 film, "Modern Times," where the workers can't help performing every task away from the assembly line with the same repetitive motions they use at work.

Having been paid to gather and interpret the news for years, I felt responsible for telling people what was going on, what mattered. We took that responsibility seriously; trying to limit our mistakes and to uncover the difficult stories too often hidden from view.

Well, the kicker is you can take the boy out of journalism but you can't take the journalism out of the boy. 

***

Here is an excerpt from the essay I published here on Facebook a year ago. Little has changed.

"Life Happens to You"

Today is when my boxes of papers and files are to be moved from the assisted living facility in Millbrae to a storage locker closer by. My son is driving down there from the city to claim the stuff.

Work on my memoir has been effectively stalled since March 20 when I left that facility, my journals strewn on the floor next to the chair where I wrote, watched the news, ate meals, and admired the view, which stretched northward.

My whole life hinged then on that one chair. Now I sit in a different chair.

It's confusing to think back to what I imagined being retired and writing that book would be like, because all assumptions basically ended with the arrival of the pandemic. But I know the prospect held a dream-like appeal for me in the years I was wrapping up my career.

One of life's illusions that some of us hold onto longer than others is that we control our own destiny; that we make life happen, when in reality, the opposite is true. Life happens on us.

We are in control of so little it would be comical if the cost weren't so high. One of life's impossible lessons for those of us with a certain kind of nature is that while we can control many little things in this world, we really don't control anything big.

It is one thing for me to write about that lesson but quite another to have learned it for myself. When it comes to my report card on that subject it's at best a D- at this point.

My daughter was telling her kids recently 'You don't learn things the first time you hear them. You have to hear them over and over."

That goes for all of us. I'm still learning the lesson about control.

***

The news:

* Cyber attack shuts down top U.S. fuel pipeline network (Reuters)

* U.S. pipeline company halts operations after cyberattack (AP)

* GOP governors slash jobless aid to try to force more Americans to return to work -- The new Republican cuts target the extra $300 in weekly payments that millions of Americans have received in addition to their unemployment checks. The White House has said it does not believe the federal benefits have created a significant crunch in the labor market. (WP)

* Biden and Republicans Spar Over Unemployment as Job Gains Disappoint -- The president said he saw no measurable evidence that a $300 federal boost in unemployment benefits was hurting the labor market, amid criticism from conservatives and business groups. (NYT)

* Trump Justice Dept. secretly obtained Washington Post reporters’ phone records (WP)

* Chinese rocket expected to crash into Earth this weekend (CNN)

* Multiple blasts at a school in the Afghan capital Kabul on Saturday killed at least 40 people and wounded dozens more, mostly female students, officials said, in an attack Afghan President Ashraf Ghani blamed on the insurgent Taliban. (Reuters)

* Federal documents indicate that while the Biden administration has cleared migrant children from border detention centers, now shelters run by the Department of Health and Human Services are strained. (NYT)

* It’s not a ‘labor shortage.’ It’s a great reassessment of work in America (WP)

* How to Protect Kids’ Ears From Headphone-Related Hearing Loss -- Hearing health and ‘hidden hearing loss’ are growing concerns as more children listen to devices all day. There are simple ways for parents to lower the volume and safeguard young ears from noise-induced damage. (WSJ)

* French court to decide landmark case against the U.S. makers of Agent Orange (WP)

* Palestinians protested ahead of a decision that will come from the Israeli Supreme Court on whether to uphold the eviction of six families from a neighborhood in East Jerusalem in favor of Jewish settlers. (Reuters)

* Scientists may have found a new coronavirus rapid-testing method: Bees (WP)

* 4 Years After an Execution, a Different Man’s DNA Is Found on the Murder Weapon -- Lawyers’ request to conduct additional DNA testing before Ledell Lee was executed had been denied. (NYT)

* Trump and his perpetrators and bystanders own a Republican Party incompatible with democracy (WP)

* U.S. stops Trump-era effort to loosen safety rules for Arctic drilling (Reuters)

* In the South China Sea, Beijing’s claims to power signal danger ahead (WP)

* After five weeks of baseball, the Oakland A's and San Francisco Giants lead their divisions. (mlb.com)

* New Evidence Reveals Ancient Greeks Immediately Regretted Inventing Theater (The Onion)

***

"Control" (chorus)

By Zoe Wees

Songwriters: Zoe Wees / Nils Bodenstedt / René Miller / Emma Sophia Rosen / Ricardo Muñoz / Patrick Salmy

I don't wanna lose control
Nothing I can do anymore
Tryin' every day when I hold my breath
Spinnin' out in space pressing on my chest
I don't wanna lose control

-30-