Wednesday, September 14, 2022

State of Our Pasts



Ever since being reunited with my old boxes of files, I’ve felt excited but conflicted about digging into them. For the several years they were apart from me, I wrote only from memory, never having source materials like clippings journals, letters, photos, and notes to fact-check myself.

Now those things are back, I’m finding I have to limit the amount of time I sort through them, because revisiting the past extracts an emotional toll — one which I am not always ready to pay.

On one level, the past is seductive. My most intriguing file folders stare at me like snapshots from a lost world. They are covered in doodles, calculations, and stains from coffee mugs or glasses of other drinks.

The inevitable spills back then blurred some of the drawings and also some of the contents, smearing and obscuring their intent, if any.

The whole lot somewhat resembles a wall of graffiti.

Dig into them I must and what I’ve found both confirms and alters my memory of events. For various reasons, several periods are of special interest right now, due to events driven by others, not me. There are questions I’m supposed to answer.

Ultimately, I’m not sure who, if anyone, will want to gain custody of this material, but for now it’s only me.

Let’s hope I can be a good custodian of the truth.

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