Wednesday, January 15, 2025

The In-Between (Knowing and Not Knowing)


 (First winter carrot)

Sometimes I think the most important parts of being alive are the least dramatic. They happen in the in-between spaces. You know, those times before or after big events, when something deemed important hasn’t quite happened yet, or after it just did.

These are the times of anticipation, dread, relief, exhilaration or plain old boredom. You might call them the connective tissue that binds us to time as we float through space, or maybe it’s more the out-of-focus nature of those undocumented moments that make them so special.

I should probably get more specific here.

Recently, I had a health scare. It’s one of those things that happens with alarming frequency to people my age and each time it is scary. First, you have to undergo tests, some of which are invasive, which may be followed by procedures, which are decidedly more invasive.

There’s usually a period of waiting, of not-knowing what’s going on inside your body. In my case, my imagination fills the gaps with dreamt-up worst-case scenarios. “I better get my things in order. I should update my will. How will I break this news to my friends?” And variations on those themes.

During this most recent health scare, which involved my brain, the most bizarre vision I kept having was of an imaginary obituary of me. This happened just as I was trying to drift off to sleep. It seems that I’d written it the way I would wish it to be, only to quickly acknowledge that such an idealized summary of my actual life was unlikely to see the light of day in any reputable publication.

Still, as I grew sleepier, this rosy post-death scenario continued to include some sort of flowery memorial service, with all manner of touching tributes, tears and laughter. Oddly, I saw myself there, right in the front row, witnessing the whole gorgeous, bittersweet thing.

At this point, it occurred to me that it would be far nicer if we could all be at our own funerals just to hear those nice things before we’re gone. But then I woke up and berated myself for indulging in such a monumentally egoistic silliness in the first place.

***

Meanwhile, back in what we usually consider reality, my brain health scare came to a happy ending in my doctor’s office when I received an “all clear.” (For now.)

Afterwards, I firmly resolved to live the rest of my days much more mindfully, and much more conscious that each day could indeed be my last.

And one more thing. Maybe from now on I’ll try a little harder to be worthy of that good obituary.

HEADLINES:

TODAY’S ARCHIVAL VIDEO:

The Beatles - Live in Australia 1964 [Full Concert HD Remaster]All black and white, you can hear the songs above the deafening screams. At least one fan faints.

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