Heart to Heart

More Indian Summer in San Francisco on this lazy weekend day. At least six kids will have spent at least part of this day with me here; five of them are sleeping over. But they don't usually require much supervision from me. The rules are clear. They have the toys they need to keep themselves busy. When bedtime comes, they go into the bunkbed room. Lights are out (flashlights are okay) and a tape is playing: Artemis Fowl.

As night sets in, I will be alone again in my room. I used to hate Saturday nights, and literally didn't know what to do with myself. It was always the most difficult night of the week for me to be alone.

When J left me in April, I was still in my old mode. I'd worry about the future; and couldn't handle the thought of so many lonely Saturday nights to come. Half a year later, I almost never am lonely any more. For one thing, there's usually something to do with people if I want to. Friends kindly invite me to all sorts of events. I've been out of town a few times, with the kids as well as with close, sweet friends.

But more importantly, somewhere along the way, I stopped minding being alone. That stage weas closely followed by the realization that I enjoy being alone. How else could I do all this writing? Hundreds of posts over the months, sometimes several a day.

This one is an early-evening post. I'll be back later tonight. Now I'm just getting warmed up. Heart to heart: That's what my writing is about. I still don't understand how someone can love you and then abandon you, ignoring you, never expressing any caring feelings at all. I had such high hopes a year ago, but they didn't pan out. She didn't live up to them. But she did stay true to herself. She's proved she is who she has always claimed to be, including being very much a loner.

I'm different. Though alone at present, I won't be permanently. I have a plan...



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