Rejoining the Flock

Yesterday I wrote about the little ways people fall away from each other; today, it only seems fair that I mention the little ways people get back together. As long as there is a strong foundation of love and trust with somebody, you can always rebuild at least your friendship, and possibly even your romantic partnership.

When two people are feeling alienated from each other, even a slight positive gesture can have a major beneficial effect. When I was younger, I absolutely hated conflict, and tried to avoid it at all cost. Slowly, over the years, I came to realize that conflict with others is inevitable, and that it need not be destructive.

You see it your way; I see it mine. Our interests may diverge. In order to be partners -- in business or in life -- we need to arrive at some accommodation. The earlier me was so grateful for the chance to mend the rift that he would invariably be the first one to "give in."

The problem, over time, was my real needs seldom got met. Other peoples' needs got met, but not mine. Over and over again I compromised, going more than halfway toward the other person's position. Partly this was my pattern because more often than not in those years, I was wrong and (s)he was right. I knew that, instinctively, so I did not recognize the larger pattern, wherein I was compromising away my hopes and dreams and beliefs in order to settle conflicts.

It isn't worth it.

When I awoke to this knowledge, I started becoming more aggressive in getting my way. For a while, I became convinced that my way, if not always the right way, usually was the right way.


This was a new me. This David fought his way through highly political situations in various work lives and fought in his personal relationships. Now, the pendulum had swung to another extreme. I was willing, even eager to engage in conflict, and I sought out battles. I convinced myself I was growing tougher, and that the force of my convictions would invariably carry the day.

I would get what I wanted.

Wrong, again.

All I can say about the latest iteration of me is that I no longer fear conflict, nor do I seek it. When I get into a new relationship with anybody, anywhere, I'm seeking the middle place on the scales between us -- so each person feels (s)he has an equal voice. I'm not going to even pretend this works perfectly, or that I have mastered this new art of maintaining equal relationships.

Especially between modern men and women, many troubling issues remain. We can't seem to get it right, most of the time. But if at least our goal is to try and be true equals, we are starting from a better place than in days gone by. Which brings me back to the start: little gestures, and how much they mean.

For me, just being willing to remain in contact stirs my loyalty and my deep feelings of friendship and love for another. I reach out all the time. When others reach out back, it feels good.

It's as simple as that.

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