Father's Day

So, tomorrow is Father's Day. It's one of two days each year I do not look forward to. The other is my birthday.

This is something I've never reflected on; it's just the way I feel. But tonight, I am going to try and figure out why this is so.

Until the early days of 1999, Father's Day was never about me, for me, because my own Father was alive. Every year, it was an opportunity for me to try and express the ineffable -- my deep love for him.

Like many, though not all, fathers and sons, we had difficult moments. It didn't help that he, a man of his time, i.e., a conservative World War Two veteran who had come of age in the Depression; had me for his only son -- a Baby Boomer congenitally disinterested in most of his true passions, like golf, real estate, old music, money, conventional thinking, cliches, and cigarettes.

But we did share many personal values -- optimism, a belief in striving for happiness, deep love for our family members, and baseball, among others. And in eyes, my father, even though he did not appreciate my passions for art, new music, the bizarre, unconventional thinking, original language, and different addictions, never ceased being my hero and the man I loved most in this world.

As I sat with him the night he died, I told him over and over how much I loved him and I held and stroked his hand and kissed him.

For me, when he died, so did Father's Day.

But, I now realize, this was quite selfish of me. For a decade now, I have been the patriarch of the Weir clan, the oldest male in my father's family tree, and the father of six wonderful children of my own.

Unless I show up on occasions like tomorrow for them, I am robbing them of their chance to celebrate their relationship with me. For some reason tonight, for the first time I am realizing this essential truth.

It's time for me, finally, to grow up and act like a man, and the father I am, for their sakes. My own Dad knew how to do that far better than I have (until now) and so once again I honor him, even as I, still with some discomfort, try to walk in his shoes.

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