I snapped this image today when outside, while inside, the IRS field auditor checked out my expense documentation. At the time I didn't know how it would all turn out, and somehow this little nasturtium flower peeking through the fence spoke to me.
Maybe it spoke about determination, or persistence, or beauty. Certainly it displayed no fear.
Back inside, the auditor pointed out that I didn't have very many receipts for cash expenses back in 2009, and I began to get worried.
The reasons for so few receipts, I explained, are several. One is I have been throwing everything away that I can as I try to clean out this place. I once had dozens of boxes and bags of files here; I'm down to perhaps 15 or so now.
Another is the three laundry room floods, which destroyed some files, including (I'm certain) all of my receipts from the first half of 2009. The first flood occurred then, when I was at a conference in Tuscon.
The third reason is I have been casual about keeping receipts for anything when the amount is under $25, as my accountant told me years ago that is unnecessary.
The problem in this case, the auditor told me, is I had too great a volume of cash payments for him to verify without any sort of documentation whatsoever. I did a quick search of my files and was able to produce a few receipts from the second half of 2009.
As I was doing that, my mind drifted back to that now-distant time, when life felt so different from what it is now.
I was traveling frequently all over the U.S. -- at least 14 separate trips that year. I had some paying clients and projects that excited me. I averaged more than one blog post per day every day that year for Bnet.
I had a partner. She and I didn't live together but we spent a lot of time together, including several nights a week. I was also teaching her how to drive a car. She was teaching me the language and customs of her native country and culture.
My kids were all (obviously) three years younger, and the teenagers were much, much shorter than they are now.
I was still dyeing my hair a bit, so the white was moderated with some grey and black.
Medicare was a distant thought; today it is reality.
I felt closer to writing my memoir, but unsure about ebooks. Now I have published my first ebook, and I'm wondering which topic to pursue next, as an author.
Then I assumed there would always be another paying job for me in this economy; now I doubt that assumption deeply.
Then I weighed more than I do now. I have a curious and perhaps healthy habit of eating very little when I am alone. When in a relationship, I fatten up.
My ex-girlfriend and I would do decidedly unhealthy things -- like eating KFC -- for a lark.
I loved that about her -- her willingness to eat junk food, and also her desire to seek out dives and cheap cafes. We fantasized about writing a guidebook together.
She taught me to like Ross Dress for Less, which, when she pronounced the name, mixed up all of the R's and L's charmingly.
While in Tuscon, I saw my first Roadrunner.
Back here, my partner's NHK documentary came out, which we watched together down in Fremont. (It wasn't aired here in the City.)
Yes, all of those things and so many more happened back in 2009. That was my now 17-year-old son's first year of high school, and one of the earliest indications I had of what a great soccer player he truly is.
My girlfriend and I took a road trip to LA, where we toured my oldest son's lab at Cal Tech. We also took a memorable road trip in Arizona, from Las Vegas to my oldest sister's house for Thanksgiving.
The fish still in our backyard pond were there then too; the four of them who survive have long since learned how to evade raccoons and other hazards.
I had three grandsons in 2009; now I have four and a granddaughter.
My auditor smokes, I could smell it on his breath.
Over 40 people have "liked" my new ebook on Facebook. Many of them are friends I've not seen or heard from in a while. That feels good.
In 2009, I had certain assumptions about the future that I've since lost. Recently, I have been forming some new assumptions about my future.
Lately, I've been seeing life through new eyes. Part of that is viewing the people I meet differently. I'm still trying to connect with every new person who enters my life ( which is more than 100 per year, given my profession), but now I seem to be making more of an effort to forge different kinds of friendships than in the past.
One insight is how worthless "virtual" relationships can be. Sure, I have hundreds of Facebook "friends," and thousands of Twitter "followers, but a substantial portion of them would not recognize me if we passed each other on the street.
***
At the conclusion of today's session, my auditor, who is a young man I have grown to like, told me he could not verify the expenses for which I had no cash receipts. He proposed a deal. That the government and I split the burden 50-50.
I thought it over. Frankly, I believe it should be the government's burden to prove I was guilty of something rather than my burden to prove my innocence.
On the other hand, I would like this invasive process to be gone from my life. Unless you have been audited by the IRS, you have no idea how much stress that generates, and how hard it can be, sometimes, to sleep at night as a result.
So I told him I probably will accept his deal. It will cost me $319.
If you think about that, given how much grief I have already gone through trying to prepare for this audit, it is a ridiculously small amount of money for the U.S. government to have gained in the process.
Probably if I appealed, it would be overturned, but I cannot afford either an attorney nor my CPA to represent me in such an appeal.
So, I'll probably call it a day, cut the check, and let this latest invasion of my privacy go.
***
Someday, somewhere, somehow, I hope to achieve a new life -- rather, a third act to my life. I hope I can live somewhere where crops can grow, children can play, and I can write my words peacefully.
I do not need to be rich, I never needed that.
But I do still hope there is someone out there somewhere who will share this life with me.
I hope, finally, for a life worth living in my final years. No more audits. No more invasions. No more fights and gunshots.
Just a safe life for sharing our stories and believing in one another. Just a place of love, finally. I bear no grudges and no anger. All I seek is peace.
-30-
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