Transitional Madness

I went to what will probably be my last event tonight as a local tech blogger; my 32-month work for the local magazine site has to come to an end as I transition into my new job.

I've gone to very few of these events -- far fewer than I might have -- because I find them awkward and intrusive on my personal life. But they represent major networking opportunities. But networking -- that's something I don't really do any longer, at least not with joy.

It was at a cool steakhouse in Soma, an intimate gathering of a few entrepreneurs, a few PR folks, a few VCs, and a few bloggers. I knew some of the people, and the one friend I've made over the past year who is eager to accompany me to such events was there with me.

But she's moving away soon, so if I were to continue I'd have to attend these kinds of meetings alone. You know, frankly, I'm sick of alone. Some people thrive on it; not me. I'm alone so much of the time that I do not need new excuses to be alone among crowds, even small crowds where I know some people.

That said, it was not unpleasant. I met some new people, learned some things. But it also seemed pointless because I am leaving the world of being a tech blogger. That phase is decidedly ending, as there is no way I can continue that work and also handle my new full-time position.

So this will close a project that started way back in December 2010, another point in my life (one of many) when I was lost and confused.

Losing the company of my friend is also sad. But she is young and ambitious and has a world of opportunities, plus a new boyfriend. Those are the hazards of befriending young people. They change rapidly and the whole panorama of opportunities still await them.

Where at my age, you are mainly aware of the shrinking field of dreams left to you.

Am I melancholy? Of course. I have to give up most of my freedom, most of my time with my kids, and almost all of my flexibility. And the blog that I have (re)built my local reputation from scratch the past 32 months.

Honestly in the professional sphere I have done so many different types of things for so long now, that my entire reputation and presence in this community is so badly fragmented hardly anyone knows what to think of me.

I don't know what to think of me.

It's just time to bear down, work on a daily grind, find a new way to persevere, and pay the bills. I do know this much -- tonight was the first time I have eaten a steak in a long, long time. All I can say about that is woah...

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