Even only having gone to the office three days this week, I came home exhausted last night. The politics and manipulations this week wore me out. Hey, I am 71. I have been working since was 16 (even earlier).
I haven't taken a vacation in years. All I do is work, work, work and then send most of the money I make to those I love. That part is fine with me.
What is not fine is that despite a terrific career, I do not, and will never have enough resources to retire. So I have to work until I die.
Lately, I have really felt my age. I am thin, frail, weak, and mainly tired. Probably the 40 pounds I've dropped the last 7 years represent a positive thing for my heart, but they also represent my weak desire to eat any longer. I skipped dinner again last night.
Walking home from work, the main thing I noticed were the white and pink blossoms on the sidewalks. I think they are mainly plum blossoms, as those are pretty much the only fruit trees in this neighborhood, except for a few Meyer Lemons.
The dropped blossoms, blown from their branches by the winds, compose a kind of sad beauty to step around. (I do not like to step on flowers.) In my dream earlier this night, I was wading through high grasses and flowers and I did not like that feeling. Then I woke up and realized it was only a dream, only a dream.
There is so much beauty all around us. Maybe the only wisdom in any of this for me is that even walking alone and tired I still can appreciate the colors of the petals on the sidewalk. That alone gives me some comfort.
After all, they are dying, no longer on their trees, but still lovely in appearance. They made my walk meaningful.
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