Raising Kids

(Note: This essay is from 2006.)

I don't recall ever hearing the word "parenting" when I was growing up, but these days, you can't even turn around without bumping into it. There's a lot more published, both in the academic literature but also in the popular press, about the topic than there used to be. And, everyone seems to have a theory.

I don't have a theory, but I do have some experience as a father, as well as some observations. I've spent most of my adult life as a parent. One of the first benefits of becoming a parent is that (for the first time, really) you may start to understand your own parents. Maybe this is because unless you're extremely careful, you'll find yourself repeating their "parenting" styles, some of which may no longer be culturally or politically acceptable.

You may also have come to the conclusion that your own parents made mistakes when raising you, some of them serious. If so, you're determined to not repeat those errors with your own kids.

Your peers have lots of influence on your parenting, and as I noted, everyone seems to have a theory, and many feel free to share theirs with you. These days, as a single Dad half of each week (and just single the other half), I've noticed how often people approach me (especially women) to offer unsolicited advice as to how I could be a better father.

(Nobody has any advice on how to be single, however.)

There seems to be a lot of judgement involved.

But I'm lucky in that I have great kids. In many, many ways, they make it easy for me. Still, I am conscious that I make many mistakes as their father. I regret things I say to them sometimes and I always regret when I get angry. I often wish I could hide parts of my own angst from their view. In my fantasy they would only get the good I have to offer them.

But the truth is they see it all.

Over the years, I've noticed something else. Good parenting skills are not the exclusive province of those who are the biological parents. Many childless people may possess advantages we parents do not. They are not necessarily as burned out around kids yet. And, in special cases, they have preserved the memories of their own childhood in ways that remain unclouded by the experience of becoming a parent.

This may be because while we benefit by understanding our own parents when we become parents ourselves, we also lose a bit of ourselves as children. For every gain there is a loss.

Many who try to grow and change for the better in middle age talk about locating their inner child. Without commenting on the lingo, which I detest, the concept seems solid. I have learned from friends who do not have their own children that it is possible for some of them to stay clearer minded about both the good and the bad of being a child since they never have had to fully surrender that role themselves.

It is difficult to support a family in today's expensive, middle-class American society. Frankly, it often feels overwhelming. You cannot ever earn enough money, for example, or do all the things others claim would make you an ideal parent.

So you can use all the help you can get. I've had the benefit of several non-parents adding layers of richness to my own children's lives these past few years. And for that I am grateful.

LINKS:

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• When the Threat of AI Is an Insult (New York)

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• RIP Metaverse (Insider)

• If artificial intelligence confuses you — and, let’s face it, it’s confusing: Our tech team put together a helpful glossary of terms to know. (Reuters)

• Uber Really Needs Lyft to Stay in the Rideshare Race (Bloomberg)

• Sen. Chuck Schumer warns of "social security shutdown" if U.S. defaults on debt (CBS)

• Biden must drop ‘absolutist’ position in debt ceiling talks with McCarthy, think tanks warn (Fox)

• How the debt ceiling crisis could actually end (Vox)

• Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said there are “no good options” to avoid an economic “calamity” if Congress fails to raise the nation's borrowing limit of $31.381 trillion. There's a high-stakes meeting on Tuesday between President Joe Biden and congressional leaders from both parties, but so far they haven't even been able to agree on what to negotiate. [AP]

• After Mass Killings in Texas, Frustration but No Action on Guns (NYT)

• E. Jean Carroll Demands Trump Follow Court Order, Remove Rape Trial Posts (Newsweek)

• The Grim New Consensus on Social Media and Teen Depression (New York)

• Alberta wildfire shuts in at least 2% of Canadian energy production (Reuters)

• Climate change: Vietnam records highest-ever temperature of 44.1C (BBC)

• The Free-Returns Party Is Over (Atlantic)

• New cars, once part of the American Dream, now out of reach for many (WP)

• To improve kids’ mental health, some schools start later (AP)

• Elon Musk Warns the World About San Francisco (The Street)

• Russia launched a wave of drone, missile and air strikes on Kyiv and other Ukrainian cities. (Reuters)

• Ukrainian drone enthusiasts train troops repel Russian attacks (Al Jazeera)

• UN calls on Taliban to end public executions, lashings and stonings in Afghanistan (Fox)

• Pakistan, Afghan Taliban agree to boost trade, lower tension (AP)

• Blinken threatened with contempt of US Congress over Afghanistan cable (Reuters)

• New Indeed Feature Lets Users Sort Jobs By Amount Of Exploitation (The Onion)