Out of Control

When my lover and I first revealed that we had become romantic partners to a group of mutual friends, she felt so shy about it that she pulled her big, pink, fake-fur coat over her head and blushed furiously.

That was almost two years ago. Recently, I asked whether she has told her friends down there that we had broken up. She said yes. Apparently there was nothing at all embarassing about that.

I remember a long time ago when it was more embarassing to break up than stay together. Especially, of course, for married people. Many tried to keep their troubles secret.

Now, the social pressures have shifted. It is easier to talk about breaking up, and all the reasons why, than how meaningful you find your most intimate connections. Maybe this is logical. When I look around me, it seems almost everyone is breaking up, or having trouble in her relationship.

But a few of my friends really value their partnerships. Maybe they are the ones who appreciate how hard it is to find true love, so they don't throw it away quite so casually. Listening yesterday to the founder of Found magazine talk to Michael Krasny on KQED, I was struck by the sensitivity of his appreciation for the rarity of love.

When you focus on keeping yourself moving in this world, and you want to be able to travel lightly, it is far less burdensome to be alone than part of a couple. Then, freedom truly is just another way of saying you have nothing left to lose. But, when it is the feeling of loss itself that you are afraid to confront, self-protection dictates you turn away from any strong feelings of attachment. You'll run away from love.

Not that being alone doesn't have its advantages. Here, in the land of rugged individualism, we are almost all part-cowboy, determined to ride into the sunset alone.

Most of us will succeed. As I've noted, recent census figures indicate that more adults in America are single than married; and that most of us will spend more of our adult years unmarried than married. The trend is stronger the younger you are.

The marriage part of this is not my issue. It's the love part. All I can do, as a lone voice in the wilderness, is draw my own line in the sand: I believe in love, romantic love, and attachment. I think 1 + 1 adds up to a lot more than 2. It's geometry, not arithmetic.

If emotional honesty is ever to be at the core of some phrase I utter, it is this: Listen to what your heart tells you before you listen to your brain. This is my formula for how to get into a lot of trouble in this world.

Like falling in love.