What we fall in love with

One of my favorite quotes about writing came not from a writer, but from Van Gogh, who said, "Paint the gesture, not the hand."

When I start falling in love with somebody new, it is not her physical form so much that attracts my male instinct, as it is what she does with her body. Of course, I love to look at women, and many of them appear very attractive to my eyes. I like the same things all heterosexual males like about women, which is to say how they differ from us.

But I have met many beautiful women whom I could not possibly love. Sometimes it's because they have created armor against the unwanted attentions of men, a defense system. Whatever it is, it's not what turns me on.

When a new woman comes into my view, it is mainly her gestures that either draw me into her realm or push me away. It's the way she talks with her arms and her fingers; the way she glances sideways in a crowded room; the way she walks across a room; the way her face furrows as she empathically considers the dilemma of another; the way her eyes flash with anger when my teasing strikes a nerve.

These and many other cues lead me along the path to her heart. I think many women believe men want them to look a certain way -- to be big here, for example, and small there, to have this hair color or that skin type. My experience as a man who loves women is that these things are largely irrelevant.

Yes, I have tended to fall in love with certain "types," according to my observant female friends, but there is enough variety in my choices to suggest that I'm instinctively open-minded about which women appeal to me. There is also the much more important variable, to my way of thinking -- which women find me attractive? It does no good to fall in love with a person if she doesn't return your affection.

And it has long since been clear to me that, while it may be up to the man to make the first move, it is always up to the women to close the deal.