The Anxieties of Old Age

Now I'm part of this demographic, I can attest that worrying about how to pay your bills, whether you can afford your medicines, whether you can even pay for your doctor visits, ruins what are called your "golden years."

There is nothing golden about poverty.

It doesn't matter how long or how hard you worked or how carefully you saved, old age is structured in this country to drain you of everything you own.

Anxiety among the elderly is a major problem in America. Wake up to it.

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The Latest News From Here

The Sutter Care Home Health nurse visited today and reviewed my finances as well as my physical health. She said she thinks I am no longer competent mentally to manage my own finances and that I should turn over all decision-making to Peter, whom she has met.

Apparently this problem has been the case for years now or at least since my stroke. It is hard news to let in but I realize I have to listen to the experts these days.

***

Am systematically changing the addresses of all of my accounts and services. This feels like a permanent relocation to me.

My eyesight has grown so weak I cannot even see a person sitting near me clearly. What is going on?

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In the Chill of the Night

It's 4:30 a.m. and my body has decided it's time to get this day underway. Sunrise is hours away yet my mind is ready to go, as if there were anything I had to do. I'm primed for action. Let's see -- what's up today?

Reality is I am retired, in compromised health, and living alone in n assisted living facility. Nobody expects me to do anything or go anywhere. I will be offered as much food as I want today, starting at 7 a.m. Housekeeping is available weekly. As soon as the laundry detergent I ordered on Amazon gets here I can wash my clothes.

To pass the hours I have TV, movies, the vast world of the Internet. There is the book I am writing. There are the family members and friends who stay in touch with me and sometimes drop in for a visit.

So the truth is my life is a simple life, made complicated by my imagination and the delusions of age and disease.

I just don't always know exactly who I am, where I am, or why. There must be a reason for all this; I just haven't discovered it yet.

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Insights That Come Slowly

As I have journeyed deeper into the health care system, I've come to certain realizations. One is that what emerges over time is a consensus among care-givers about a patient's status. Many people participate in forming this consensus, most of them with vast experience in evaluating patients like me.

The clear consensus in my case is that it is no longer advisable for me to live alone independently. That is why I now am in an assisted living complex. My care-givers, and my family, think that is best for now.

Another point of consensus in my case is that I am not going to be getting better. That leaves two alternatives. I'll stay stable, perhaps for many years, or I'll decline. There are numerous ways to decline and when that happens,  a new consensus will emerge as to what to do next.

Staying stable depends on the basics -- sleep, eating well, exercise, not falling and luck. No one can predict how any particular patient will fare. They'll just keep checking and discussing what they see.

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Illness is Strange

I slept until 4 a.m., waking up now and then when I realized I'd sweated through my pajamas. I changed twice.

This morning I took my first shower here and it was good. Now I am dressed and ready for the day.

I must have some kind of illness that I am having night sweats -- a condition I've only had in the past when I had some sort of G-I disorder like dysentery. My fear is I am losing weight again.

My throat is sore. I've done a lot of coughing; when I'm ill I always feel utterly alone.

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Twin Scourges

Aging and illness. I am struck by now stiff and weak I am. Without daily PT, I am backsliding.

My new apartment is adequate but my income is $3000-4000 short of my monthly expenses. This is very frightening to me. It also is unsustainable.

So "retirement" turns out to be not a chance for relaxation but one for worry and unspeakable anxiety. I cannot enjoy this unless I can earn new income to offset the deficit.

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Enormaties

I didn't sleep well my second night at Cadence assisted care living in Millbrae. I've been trying to get my mind around the challenges facing me, moving from a large flat to a small apartment. In that regard, I have lists everywhere. It is chaos.

Writing a memoir at the same time stirs up lots of stuff. Seventy-two years+ of memories.

Thanks to Peter,I have most of my art and photographs here now. We just have to figure out how to hang them without damaging the walls. Kelsey has a plan.

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