A big yellow flower on our pumpkin plant greeted us in the morning sunshine. This plant is aggressively taking over the garden, its large green leaves quivering in the tiniest of breezes, tender drops of water around each serrated edge. In my fantasy several giant pumpkins will swell into existence here.
In Magnolia, many disconnected yet randomly interrelated lives merge through the experience of sharing one song in one moment in time. Sometimes we can collectively sense that a new force has entered our world. It may be a threatening force or it may be a gentle influence. In Japanese, there are words for the various types of people, as I understand it, and one type is "she who has a calming and peaceful effect."
In Telephone Company Park last night an aging superstar past his prime blew up at what he thought what a bad call by an umpire. The umpire threw him out of the game. It was a critical turning point. The Giants trailed by three runs, there was one out in the bottom of the 9th inning, one runner on base, and the count on Bonds was now 2-2. The tying run was on deck. Earlier Bonds had blasted his 723rd homerun in this, what may well be his last season in the game.
The game had to be stopped for 11 minutes because the angry crowd through trash on the field. I don't ever recall seeing this happen in San Francisco before. It's been the oddest baseball season, very disconnected, and difficult to enjoy. It feels as if it ended last night with the meltdown by Bonds, who normally has stayed calm and focused throughout his career. Watching him self-destruct, partly under the pressure of a grand jury probe that feels vindictive, and unnecessary, is one of the saddest things I've ever witnessed in baseball.
Still, even at times like that, we can experience the sweetest happinesses. It's all in the details of our own lives, how we adjust and adapt and grow and connect, disconnect, and reconnect again. The special moments when we all share the same song, no matter how broken our individual lives may appear from the outside.
Inside there may be gentleness, peace and a sense of calm.
Some of my friends recently started trying to introduce me to new women. One of them said, "You should find someone who loves baseball as much as you do, David." It's funny that until she said that, though it occurred to me that somebody might well share many of my major passions -- for words, stories, baseball, languages, books, movies, music, sex, intimacy, blogging, writing, and kids -- the one I would have 'most unlikely' on that list was baseball. It would seem to be a small miracle if somebody could connect with me on that level, along with many of the others.
Buy maybe that's how it always feels when we are alone, without a soul mate. As if we are the only one...
Last winter I was so lonely, especially on Saturday nights and during the holiday seasons. Those are times when I feel the deepest need for a partner. It's nice to go out to a movie with someone you love.
When my ex left for Mississippi last November, I knew I was in for a bad winter. I never would have guessed I would essentially stop eating to the point I shed 30 pounds, but that is what happened. When she broke up with me this spring, I was swept by a wave of anxiety that I could never survive another season of holidays alone.
Then, slowly, something changed, and I stopped thinking so far ahead. Who knows what the future holds? The day I started focusing only on that day, with no thought of the future, was the day I started becoming well. I can't recall which day that was.
Probably just one like any other. A day that led me here, to this warm, sunny day and to this particular Saturday night.
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