It rained last night and it rained today. Maybe because both days for me were devoted in so many ways to my dear lost friend, Raul, it felt like God might be crying. I certainly have no relationship with God myself. I tried some years back, but that brief episode utterly failed. Everything about it backfired, and has left me more determined than ever to live out whatever time I may have left Godless.
Excuse my French, but Fuck God.
I no longer can pray. But I can and do chant fake prayers, most days, based on my fears. Every day I ask "God" to protect my children and my loved ones. That is actually a long list of people, most of whom probably do not know they are on my list. Anyone reading these pathetic words is on it. But I will never abandon anyone I have loved. I remember you all. My fake prayer includes you. But not me. I do not want God's protection.
Does that scare me? Of course. What is a mere human being on his own? I still purchase a yearly amulet from Japan that supposedly protects me in some way I do not understand, but that, for me, is superstition, not religion, and is nothing more than some strange last connection to my last girlfriend, who left me utterly without warning. In other words, Godless.
But I buy that amulet to stay within the orbit of her religion. Maybe some errant truck will not gun me down as a result. Because I have aged a lot since she last saw me. I move along the street slowly now, and I am scared to be alone after dark. I never know what to do as I try to cross a street. I am an old man, with terrible back pain, and poor balance.
You see, when those close to you fail you when you need them most, your connection to whatever God is rides sweetly away like a ghost on the wind.
Just like Raul is now gone. He is gone with the wind.
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