Thursday, July 20, 2006

Lost love in an era with no privacy 1.1

It's July 20, 2006.

My cellphone rang tonight at 9 p.m. I couldn't get to it in time to answer the call, but when I did reach the phone, and replayed what I thought was the new message, it was her voice, saying "things are crazy" and that she would call back soon.

I felt that old flutter, the feeling of having a partner, who needed and wanted to talk to me. I immediately thought I better call her back, something must be wrong, and I felt excited at the prospect.

Then I realized this must be an old call, one I'd forgotten, that Verizon was replaying for me so I could decide either to delete it or save it. Because the actual ring I heard was from someone else, as the subsequent message revealed. Besides, she never calls me, never emails me, never contacts me at all.

So, why did her message have to come up like that, disrupting an otherwise peaceful night, as I was enjoying being alone, watching my baseball game, eating leftovers, bothering no one? Logically, this must have been an old call, as I said, perhaps one I somehow never knew I received, sometime in our past, back in a time when she still felt connected enough to me, and cared enough for me to check in.

This might not have affected me so badly but as I was cruising the Internet, as I always do, tonight, suddenly there she was in somone's random photo collection, wearing her T-shirt with the sleeves cut off (one of her stylistic moves), smiling and looking happy.

Now, she hates to have her picture taken. But it was nice to "see" her for the first time in months. She looked great. I realized she truly is where she is supposed to be, with lots of excitement and stimulation and new people to help her figure out who she is in this world.

Meanwhile, back here, I have a lively home with lots of activity and fun surrounding me, and a life I am busily reclaiming.

Yet, inside each of us lies a deeper mystery. That involves how we actually feel, regardless of how we may appear in the moment.

As I thought about these various elements, I felt a warm feeling of love for her, that she is safe within her polka-dot room, meeting new friends, every day a new chance for excitement, and who knows, maybe also love. I do truly love her so much that I wish only happiness for her. She is such a special person, and not enough people have told her that in her past. Anyone who recognizes this is not only her friend, but mine.

When it came time to decide what to do with that unexpected message tonight, I had two choices: (7) delete, or (9) save.

I chose 9.

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