Shocking News in Veepstakes

Democratic Ticket

SAN FRANCISCO, CA, August 20, 2008. In a development that had been utterly unanticipated, Presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain jointly unveiled their presumptive running mates at an obscure online press conference today.

They've chosen each other!

That's right, in an unprecedented attempt to unify the country in a time of unparalleled challenges, the Democrats will run an Obama/McCain ticket and the Republicans will run a McCain/Obama ticket.

Republican Ticket

As to the policy differences that separate the candidates, they explained that if the "Democratic Republican" ticket prevails, the U.S. will pull all troops out of Iraq in 16 months. If the "Republican Democratic" ticket wins, our troops will stay there for 100 years.

And so it goes, down the line on the issues.

The deal apparently caught both men's staffs -- not to mention their wives and their supporters -- completely off-guard. In a related development, Rev. Rick Warren announced that this creative deal was hatched backstage after he hosted the "faith debate" last Saturday night.

According to Warren, it was the question he put to both men about their "greatest moral failure" that triggered this historic development. "When the debate was over, Barack was still back in the Green Room. John walked back with me, and -- presto! -- I could sense the chemistry."

It was Obama who made the first move, said Warren.

"I really wish I hadn't tried drugs, Pastor," he blurted, voice cracking, and eyes tearing up.

The younger man's show of vulnerability caught McCain off-guard. He placed a fatherly hand on Obama's shoulder and then teared up himself. "I know h-h-how you f-feel," he stuttered. I REALLY wish I hadn't screwed around on my first wife."

At this point, Warren says, the two men began revealing a flood of indiscretions that, in the minister's mind "would make a bisexual, heroin-addict, multiple felon gang member blush."

Pressed for details, Warren demurred, noting Pastor/Parishioner confidentiality. After about an hour of this unrelenting confessional, Warren says he reached the end of his own patience. "Enough, guys!" he says he shouted. "I do not want to know this stuff."

At that point, the reality of what had just happened apparently sank in. Both Obama and McCain sank into deep depressions, realizing they had given each other more than enough ammunition to sink any chance they each had previously harbored to be the next President of the United States -- except by the grace of each other, God, and of course, Pastor Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church.

Given this set of circumstances, it is perhaps understandable that they came to a reasonable way out of their predicament.

One final detail. At their joint virtual press conference (which disallowed any questions from the press) the candidates also announced that Rick Warren will be Chief of Staff at the White House, no matter who wins, and that he will choose all Cabinet members, all Supreme Court Justices should vacancies on the court occur, all Ambassadors, as well as shouldering certain other unspecified responsibilities, including deciding who gets to sleep in which room each night.

They said his new title will be "The Decider."

In even more related news, the Saddleback Church announced that it is relocating from Southern California to the corner of 16th and Pennsylvania in Washington, D.C., at the newly renamed Saddleback White House of God. Financial details of the naming rights agreement with what was previously a government facility, albeit one deeply in debt, were not available at press time.

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