Happy Birthday Baby Girl

My youngest is 15. We had a lovely early dinner at one of her favorite restaurants, Sunflower. I drove there from Raul's bedside. Sitting with a dying friend younger than his years (67) and then sitting next to a beautiful child older than her years (who still calls me Daddy) is a very strange experience. Raul and Julia don't know each other at all. I am their only glue so only I can tell their mutual stories. In many ways they are similar people. Individuals with huge hearts, brave people who think far beyond themselves. They are two people with big eyes, eyes that see and feel and make you feel seen and heard. I hope somehow I get the chance to introduce them before Raul dies. 

 Here is a lovely photo of Raul and his partner Tony, now married!

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Horrible Nights, Wonderful Nights

As I try to accept my dear friend Raul's impending death, I also celebrate my youngest child's struggle as an (almost) 15-year-old girl in high school. Her birthday is Sunday. Not to mention my youngest grandson's second birthday, today. Happy Birthday, Oliver! (far left, in his birthday suit)

Julia is upstairs at this hour, babysitting a little guy called Elliot, not yet one year old.

Life celebrates life. Our babies grow up and take care of other babies.

Our dearest friends pass away, one by one. And we cry. It is an essential part of living that we understand our dying.

I am an old man now. I have been losing friends for years and I know I will lose many more if I live long enough to hear the news. One by one we are all going away. On some sweet day not that long from now, my friends and family will also lose me. And then my voice will become silent, so for now I know I need to keep posting. These messages matter.

My heart is so heavy tonight, because I (selfishly) do not want to lose Raul. He is one of the very few who has been there for me when it really mattered. He loves me and I love him. He is a great man, a wonderful human being, and also a gay Cuban immigrant from a dysfunctional family, a great journalist, a kind person with a heart bigger than anyone else I have ever known.

I do not want to let him go. And I also know that I must.

As we all say goodbye to one another

I had the honor to spend yesterday and last night with my old and dear friend Raul Ramirez, who is dying of cancer. He had requested that I come to the rehab facility where he has been the past few weeks. He had been getting stronger and feeling better after a brutal month of setbacks, and felt well enough for a visit. It was supposed to be a happy visit. But before I got there he got some troubling news -- a CT scan had identified an arterial aneurysm in his abdomen. He was urgently taken by ambulance to the ER at Kaiser in Oakland, where surgery would be considered. I went there as well with two of his other friends, plus Tony, his partner. (They were married last weekend.)
There, the doctors told us that the situation is dire and that there is nothing further they can do for Raul, surgery is too dangerous, plus the combination of problems he has now are too complex to be solved by any kind of medical intervention whatsoever. All they can do now is mitigate the pain.
As fast as possible we are now trying to arrange hospice care. Raul desperately wants to return to his home and die there. Today I signed as a witness to his will, we discussed his wishes for cremation, he instructed that he is not to be resuscitated once his heart stops and many other similar topics.

Then, something kind of wonderful happened and this is so Raul. We decided to have a little party. I had brought over some fruits and cheese -- a nurse brought some crackers and juice and there in the Kaiser ER we had a picnic. Raul was very much the life of the party. We all laughed (and cried) and ate the snacks. All I can say is Raul really loves strawberries!

At this point, it will be day to day. I am on call to go there whenever Tony or others request. I know he would love to hear from any of you through whatever channel you choose. When he feels well enough he checks email. He even takes phone calls. He opens cards. He listens when friends relay messages. He is very frustrated and angry and sad and I think also still somewhat scared but he also seems strong and resolved to handle this his way. He refuses pain medications so his mental acuity is intact. He is in terrible pain and so thin it is hard to see but his mind is active, playful and inquiring. He's really still the same Raul we've all always loved so much.

Family Gathering

A week ago.

Today

I think these pictures tell the story. My youngest and I were up very early since she had a game at the Crocker Amazon pitch. She played well, on her injured ankle. Before the game, her coach taped her swollen, bruised ankle. During the game, she played great defense.

She is a big, strong girl, still learning how to use that to her advantage. Thanks to all the practices she goes to, she is also well-conditioned, so now we all notice how fast she is in the spurts that all defenders have to be in order to play their part.

Julia and her teammates are true competitors. Their team has zero wins and six losses. They have been outscored 2-28. Nothing about this is pretty. It's all ugly. Except for this: She and her teammates  play hard the whole time.

I am so proud of youngest (and last) athlete.
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As the sun set tonight over the Pacific

I was watching.

Weekend Breathing

During the workweek I can hardly slow down long enough to think about what I might like to write, let alone write it. But the weekends open up those moments again. Today started early, driving my 17-year-old to Mission High, where he is taking the SAT one last time.

Then back home to cook breakfast for my 19-year-old before he headed off to work.

Soon my 14-year-old and I will head out on some errands -- the cellphone store to get her phone repaired or replaced; to a sports store to get her a new water bottle, and to Bernal where she's meeting up with a friend.

At some point this afternoon I will probably settle in to watch a football game, then a baseball game. I'll probably spend tonight alone, as is the case almost every Saturday night.

When in relationships, Saturdays were nights we'd eat out or go to a movie or both.

That seems a lifetime ago. There's no one to do things like that with any longer.

Yesterday I taped a short video message for my friend who is battling against cancer. I've been feeling the loss of him being well enough to do things for months now. He was the kind of friend who would just pop up and say, "Let's go to dinner! I'll pick you up."

And we'd go.

I find myself so passive on the social front that I never really reach out to friends on my own. That is one of the many things I always relied on my partner for help in doing.

It's too bad because I like a lot of people and i know they like me. We always have fun whenever we do get together.

My job is very social. I talk to probably 20-30 people a day and the conversations are not all about work. I can count a bunch of my colleagues as friends, and a bunch of others as new friends.

Working really provides the glue to a life in America, along with family. But friendship is the social network that can matter the most at times. Looking back on my life I'd characterize myself much better at making friends than maintaining friendships.

Maybe I just need more privacy than others, maybe I'm too shy by nature, maybe some other psychological issues are involved.

Writing is my main way of connecting in any event, so I do that. I continue to do that no matter what else is happening or not happening.

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