Non-Workday Thoughts

It's been summer-like here this week, with high temperatures and still air. Late yesterday the fog rolled in from the Pacific, cooling the tip of this peninsula.

I picked up my 16-year-old daughter from her school in mid-afternoon and took her briefly by my office before driving her to the SPCA, where she attended the orientation for again counseling younger children this summer.

Later I picked her up and we went back to my house, where she didn't eat a thing. She said she's been nauseous and having headaches the past two-three days. But she's not the type to complain; she soldiers on, not missing any school days or other commitments.

This morning, for example, she is on a hike in the East Bay to raise money for Girl Ventures, the leadership/outdoors non-profit where she is on the advisory board. This is the group that sent her on a mountain-climbing trip to the Eastern Sierra last summer.

Julia has already raised $705 for the group (through this walk), 41 percent above her goal of $500.

***

Looking out the window or standing on the back porch, I survey my yard, blooming in this drought. That's thanks to my ex-neighbor, Jeremy, who filled the space with native plants. It may almost never rain in California these years, but our yard is filled with the colors of blooming plants.

Since they are native, they plants also attract many species -- hummingbirds, butterflies, bees, many other winged creatures -- that pollinate and thrive, water or not. It is a wonder to see, and a reminder how little we humans are, actually, in theways of the world.

The best we can do is adapt and play as useful and non-destructive a role as possible, as we go about our social and political mayhem.

I'd say a walk by a girl in the hills to raise money for other girls to gain confidence through outdoor treks is right in line with this philosophy.

You rock, Julia!

Soccer and Chickens

Losing a Pet

Over on Bernal today, working with my ex-wife on those frustrating financial aid forms for the boys in Missoula, we were interrupted by 16-year-old Julia, who came out of her room crying. It turned out that one of her two pet rats was suddenly dead and she was feeling freaked out. I think his name was August.

Julia loves animals. She has two cats and (now) one rat. I think his name is Ally. She walks dogs at the SPCA on weekends. She cares for neighbors' pets -- dogs, cats, and rabbits.

While we dealt with the cold body, she put on her sunglasses and took off on a walk. A walk can be a good thing after a loss. You can feel the sun and the wind on your face, hear the birds, see the leaves move, perhaps a hawk fly, and appreciate anew the meaning of life -- and death. At least you sense that you are thankfully still alive.

When she got back home she saw us in the backyard, with a shovel and a fresh patch of dirt. There was some seaglass, and a big stone that she can paint.

It is so hard for a child to lose a pet. It may be even more difficult for an adult to lose a pet. It is so hard for all of us to lose each other.

I am hoping she is feeling some comfort that her parents dealt with the remains of her loss while she was away. I also hopes she takes advantage of my offer to pay for dinner tonight -- a dinner of her choice that she can order from a service out here -- with her mother.

You know that with your kids you are always working on borrowed time, because you will only be around for so long to help them along. So at moments like today you just hope for the best.

-30-

An Old Man's Thoughts

I realize that in current American society being 68 does not necessarily connote that I am near the end of my life. And I truly hope that I am not. My plan is to be able to work full-time for seven more years. I pretty much like my job, though lately it has become complicated. And stressful. But if so, I will have accumulated and saved the amount of money I want to be able to leave to my children and their children. And I also wouldn't mind living into my 80s, although it would have been nice to have done so with a partner, other than on my own. But if I am healthy enough, perhaps enjoying planting things and watching my grandchildren grow up, after I retire in 2022, would give me some measure of pleasure. But of course that would deplete what I would leave them, which is a tradeoff I have to ponder. Plus I have no safe and affordable place to live, so all my savings could easily disappear if I stay in San Fransisco.

But I also know several other things that may not allow this scenario to come true. The heart infection I had as a child that went undiagnosed did a bunch of damage. The diseases I had in the Peace Corps in 20s did a bunch more. Several doctors told me to not expect to live longer than I have already lived. And I have not necessarily done what I should have done, with my lifestyle choices, to earn that privilege.

So I figure it is time to start to wrap things up. My body has been hurting a lot lately, on all sides -- my front, my sides, my back. Everything hurts. Maybe my time is coming to an end?

I have started writing my will. It is on my laptop. I need to get this official somehow. I need a lawyer. Hopefully all I have is a bad back. But who knows. It could well be worse than that. Internal not external. I am on my own. I guess I will call my doctor on Monday. I have a very bad feeling. I hope I am wrong.

This is what it is like to grow old without a partner. Maybe those who die young are actually the lucky ones? They never have to confront these difficult moments. If I had a partner, she would be with me during this ordeal.

-30-

Birthday Dinner

With my youngest at a Thai restaurant on Mission Street. We spoke by cellphone with her two brothers in Missoula while waiting for our food. Heard from my older three kids as well, and scores of friends from Facebook. My staff got a cake at work, which was sweet.

No complaints. Lots of love. I appreciate it all.

-30-

Fog Drifts In Tonight

On the eve of my 68th birthday, a typical San Francisco night. I suppose that is appropriate. I stood watching it tonight, ever so slowly wrapping over this city.

-30-

There She Is!

Number 43 in the center of the action today in Saratoga. Her team lost, 0-2, but played hard. She played well. I'm conscious that she may not choose to keep playing much longer, especially once she moves away to bearding school in Napa this fall.

So I am enjoying these opportunities while they last.