Even casual readers of this blog probably know I have been struggling for the past three months over what to do in the wake of a confusing breakup with a remarkable woman who left me to move across the country and work as a long-term volunteer with hurricane victims in Mississippi. It's not like I've never been through a breakup before; there were my two long marriages, for example. But this relationship was different, in many ways, and I continue to love her with an intensity that surprises me. However, as time passes, the odds of her returning to me seem ever more remote.
Probably the best piece I've written that expresses how I feel about all of this was "Open Road" back in late April (see Archives). Honestly, I have never felt that our relationship had to necessarily confine her from pursuing her dreams. On the contrary, I am proud of her and what she is trying to do, and I want her to find what she is looking for. If you truly love someone you have to be able to let her go. And, as much as possible, to then welcome her back, should she discover she's made a mistake -- that what she really needs is to be with you. I don't think she feels she made a mistake. And in fact I don't think she made a mistake, either, by leaving me to go there and help people who badly need her help. This is a confusing story, and it is also sad, though ultimately it may take a hopeful turn in some unpredictable way none of us yet envisions.
In any event, it's time for me to solicit your advice. If I can figure out this F#*@ing polling software, I intend to put up a poll on this site in the next few days, asking readers what I should do.
*Let her go, forget about her, move on?
*Or, continue to hold my heart open for her?
I'm still trying to decide whether to do whatever the majority tells me to do. I've always been stubborn in that it is fairly hard to convince me to go against what my intuition tells me to do. Logic is not my strength. But in this case, since I have turned to a public forum to air my pain and seek advice, maybe I should let "the wisdom of the crowd" determine the fate of this relationship?
2 comments:
What do you think she wants you to do, David?
I think that you will do both -- you will continue to hold your heart open to her until you let her go. You will let her go when and if it becomes totally clear that you cannot be together. While your pain is apparently more intense than you've felt in the past, your writing does not lead us to believe that you will remain in this state forever. This is not pathological. It simply hurts. And you are writing your way to wherever you are going. You just don't know where that will be as of yet. Maybe your change comes tonight as you turn to the group. Maybe it's next month after you process further. Or maybe it's next Christmas holiday when you meet someone as you're passing food out at a shelter, or when you are at a school event watching your children and you realize you are whole.
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