Last summer, around this time, my sweet girlfriend helped me prepare for the August wedding of my daughter Sarah Daisy here in San Francisco. I was going to host a party for 50+ people in my flat in the Mission District; she went to a nursery and picked out a dozen or so flowering plants to put in clay pots by my front door.
A designer by trade, she has an artist's eye for color. The plants she picked complemented one another perfectly, dressing up our otherwise drab entrance. The kids made a big sign and the place looked great. Many months later, during our very wet winter, I noticed all the plants had died, apparently, overwhelmed with weeds.
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A year later, this place has had a very different feel than last year. There's no question a cloud has been hovering over our household -- we all miss J, not just me. All three of my young kids speak of her fondly, ask about her, and say they miss her. I know this is something she did not expect to happen. But a theme of her life is she underestimates her effect on people -- radically.
So, this week, as I felt something changing inside me, emotionally, for the first time since we broke up three months ago, I realized that I was looking for some sign, some symbol of what I should do next. Life is all about change, constant change, the cycle of life and death and loss and renewal.
For me to even launch that "poll" last night meant I already, on some level, knew what I had to do. I couldn't have raised the issue unless I was ready to follow the advice I received. In fact, I already knew instinctively that the time was right to let her go.
She broke up with me on the day I opened this blog, back in early April.
I broke up with her today, July 7th, 2006.
I withdrew my proposal, the one had hung awkwardly over both of us since I made it, in late April. I committed to myself to now move on. I will not forget her, and I will reserve a place in my heart only for her. I will always love her, and hope she finds happiness and fulfillment that did not prove possible with me.
Maybe, somehow, we will find our way back to each other at some future point, but I doubt that; if so, it will have to be an entirely new kind of relationship between two people who will have evolved in unpredictable ways. I hope, above all, we soon can be close friends, as I am with virtually all of my former partners and girlfriends.
Looking back over these past three months, it has been an immensely painful and ragged process for me. Not only is this the hardest transition I have ever experienced (and I have had, by any measure a hell of a lot of personal and professional transitions!), I've never before shared my emotional reality with other people to this extent, including friends, family, strangers, and people who perhaps wish me ill (given some of the Comments and emails I have received.)
The truth is, of course, I don't know who reads these posts, unless you tell me. That's your choice, not mine. Anyone is free to interpret this as she wishes. Those of you who have contacted me, by and large, have been supportive and very kind. You also have been very kind to her, J, my ex-girlfriend, the woman few of you know, except through my descriptions of her here in this space.
The sign I was looking for, unconsciously, came to me two days ago. That's when I decided to post the "poll" and when I realized I owed J my decision. I was watering the plants little Julia and I have planted at the front of our house this summer, when I suddenly noticed that not every last flowering plant J had chosen was dead, after all. This tiny purple bloom and these random red blooms had survived all of this time, and thanks to the water Julia and I were adding to their pots daily, came back to life.
This is a new summer. Soon, my daughter Laila and her fiancé, will visit from Chile and we will plan their upcoming wedding a year from now. I'll try to remember all the things J did and dress up my place suitably two weeks from tonight when I host the first pre-wedding party for Laila here.
Most of the flowers at our entrance will be new. But I am also carefully guarding these fragile blooms shown above, as a continuing symbol of my gratitude and everlasting love for J. Yes, I am moving on, and finally I accept that our relationship is over. It has been very hard because of how special she is. Someone less special would have been easier to get over.
I'm not over her, don't get me wrong. But I do not want her to feel my sadness as a burden any longer. So, I'll move along now, perhaps even eventually meeting somebody new, but in the meantime, I will also help these tiny flowers survive at my doorstep.
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