Post #300

Tonight I had a reason to search back through my old email files, something I rarely do. Suddenly, the following caught my eye. It is a dialogue between a man and a woman. What possibly could have happened to this sweet couple? Why did they let this connection slip away?

He wrote:

I have been looking at you a lot lately -- you look wonderful to me, very tanned and healthy and slender and lovely...I feel I am very lucky to be with you...I really like your near-sighted gaze when you're intent on kissing me...shall i start a list? Now that is a kind of homework I could sink my dipstick into...

She wrote:

I want to feel now like I can keep looking at you, but am afraid that when I do, you feel pressure or just don't see me. It's hard to get your attention, particularly at11p.m..., when we're both exhausted or you're sitting at the computer, and I need your attention. Do you have enough to give?? I want to feel "high" when I look at you, at least sometimes. That kind of feeling requires cultivation. Or maybe it's just a sick expectation/desire, that no one should expect after a while.

No pressure now, please, don't add it to your worry list, let's just
talk when you feel free to...

She wrote:

I know you're busy. But I'm not. So, I was just thinking...Sometimes, when I'm bored, and waiting for (bleep) to get me corrections, I read old emails, for a little cheap thrill. Doing it helps to remind me. As things have shaken out, and maybe you see me more clearly now, all my faults and shortcomings, and all the ways I don't live up
to your expectations, I think I need a list...

I guess I need to know you're looking at me, which would mean I need to be looking at you at the same time. I realize that I don't express myself in romantic terms, I've never felt that was a safe thing, it only sets me up for disappointment and humiliation. So the tiny gestures I make in that direction are very tender and scary. In the mean time, I just do what I can, always just practical and sensible.
Funny though, practicality seems to be what you crave. Do you crave
anything else?

I wish I knew more songs on the banjo. I wish I were good at it (in other words, and here comes the cliche...I wish I'd never stopped taking music lessons as a kid). Wish I hadn't killed-off my inner child so violently.

The movie last night made me want to dance. I think everything points towards a desire to get out of my head, and into my body instead.

You're busy and otherwise employed, so you don't need to answer this..... now anyway. Looks like I'm journaling to you...blab..blab..blab... maybe not a bad idea, since I won't seem to write anything down otherwise.

***

So, you see, there was a time when this man and this woman felt so close that they exchanged these kinds of intimacies. Saving emails is just like saving old letters. I will have to do more explorations into the past. I feel certain this will reveal how and when I went so wrong, in order to lose her love.

I thought I always tried to listen. But I see now that I just was not attentive enough.

-30-