(signed)
-- George Dubya Arbusto
"What's the State of this great Onion? Fucked up, my friends. And, who did it? It was, I, Dubya. Yes, let me count the ways. I, or rather my surrogates (big word) ignored the intelligence that Al-Kaline was going to send suicide bombers into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania.
"In retrospect ('nother big word), it was all there for us to see, but we just weren't lookin', ya know? I told Candy, 'Candy, who's our biggest threat, Al-Kaline and the other old ballplayers, or Russia?
"'Well', she said, 'Masta Prezidentay, suh, it is most definitely the former Soviet Onion.' Ha ha ha. She don't really talk like that, I just love kiddin' her, y'know? After all, name me one other Prez that appointed a black dyke to be his National Security Advisor? (Embarrassed snickering.)
"Then, after General Powell quit, (another Afro!), hell, I made her Secretary of State!
"That's a black job, now, Sectry 'a State, thanks to me, G. W. Arbusto! (Camera shows Condi Rice scowling.)
"Let's see. Where was I? Oh yeah, the State of the Onion.
"My friends, this here Onion's been peeled, and there ain't nothin' left to do but cry over it. We are headed into one mother of a Depression, so I suggest y'all load up on all the Prozac, Zoloft, whatever you kin git yer hands on!
"Before, you know, our health system completely collapses!'Nother thing I kinda messed up on, heh heh... (Nervous twittering.)
"Lookit, we might just as well get right down to it. There was never no weapons of mass destruction (really big word). I know that now. Back then, I didn't know what destruction meant, you see. Dick Cheney told me it was some sort of literary school of thought, definitely Communist, out at U-C,
Berkeley, and therefore our truest kind of enemy. (Standing ovation.)
"That's where Candy and Dick came together -- Communism. And let me tell you, it was instructivable (huge word). Listen'g to them big thinkers, I almost grew some hemorrhoids (big bad word), know what I'm saying? Yakking...syllablizin'...
"Onwards.
"Okay, so I messed up on Eye-Rack! There, I said it. S-o-r-r-y! BFD, as we say down at Crawford, where Cheney can't even go huntin' wthout shootin' down one of his buddies...Sorrry, Dick, couldn't resist that one, heh...Don't go aimin' your shotgun at me, big guy! (Laughter, canned.) (Dick Cheney scowls.)
"One last point. The economy. I knew we were fucked once Allen Greenspan left the house. I told Laura, that's my wife, who's way smarter than I'll ever be, I told her, 'wagin' war's the easy part of the job, BB, the cows don't know where the milkin' machine is until the bells toll real loud upwind, and honey, that bell be honky-tonkin' at us.
"That was s'posed to be a met-a-for (Karl Rove taught me that) but she wasn't buyin' it. She just got mad and accused me of drinkin', and tryin' to get her to go out partyin' like in the old days. Like when ah used to dance naked on tables. Oops. No comment on that alligatoration.
"So I said to her, 'No, I ain't drinkin' but I know about those campin' trips to the mountains, woman, with yer girlie friends, and I know you went topless!' Oops.
"'Got the CIA surveillance (monster word, hard to say) photos to prove it,' ah added, makin' a 'nother big boo-boo. (Audible groans.)
"That was, all told, my biggest messup as Prez. I'm a man, so I will admit to that. Now I'm in the doghouse. Just like ol' Hank Williams said, Move over little doggie, 'cause the big dog's movin' in."
"Know what I'm sayin'?. (Applause.)
"Oh well, goodnight, ladies, gentleman, and you other types, whatever you orientin' might be. Just don't go peeling no onions, hear?
"Heh, heh, heh.
"And, meanwhile, I'm eating dog food just like you, so let's not complain, let's be cheerful. Shit, it could be cat food, you know?" (Everyone races for the exit.)
Fading sounds of "Hell to the Cheat" fill the halls of Congress, as Presidente Arbusto's self-satisfied grin dissolves into a look of puzzlementainment at the suddenly empty hall. "Where's the party, guys...Guys?"
-30-
2 comments:
David,
“Thou art a votary to fond desire”... Shakespeare, about 500 years ago.
“Emotion on the sleeve advertises distortion of fact”... Dan, about 15 minutes ago.
Distorted fact can be humorous, and often is – just not when so plainly wrapped in vitriol.
Of course, if venting made it feel better, I suppose there's value in that.
Dan
Actually, I'm rather fond of W; at least he's consistent (unlike the Clintons!) We do disagree on policy most of the time, but I bear him no animus. (You oughta see what I write when I hate someone.)
All of the disparaging personal information, BTW, is based on material in our files during the 2000 election cycle when I was D.C. Bureau Chief for Salon. None of it is made up. And there's far more evidence of these personal quirks and orientations than there ever was for Hussein's WMD's!
As far as W's personal ethics, I have absolutely no reason to think he is anything but an honest, decent man. He just makes a terrible President; though quite probably (again, unlike the Clintons) he's quite a nice person.
As I've previously reported, both George Bush and Dick Cheney are very generous philanthropists; giving away a much higher percentage of their annual income than all but a tiny slice of American citizens.
It's not enough to write this off to their wealth; plenty of Americans are richer (many of them Democrats) but few give away anywhere near as much of their wealth.
Perhaps this information can slightly counter-act the notion that I insanely hate Bush. I don't; my impression of him is nuanced and analytical. Last night's parody was simply another of my many experiments in writing style.
Nothing ventured; nothing gained.
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